The Little Things ✔️

Determination

As Mat plays the last chords of Photograph. I slump down on the bed. This is all to much. Mat had persuaded me to just pick a few songs and see how it goes but it's harder than I think. He's such a good player and then there's me who's only been singing for 5 months.
"Hey Al don't be like that! I'm not lying when I say your damn amazing at singing." I lift my head up and look at him. I raise my eyebrows as to say have you got to be serious! Mat giggles and leans back on his chair.
"Al your amazing don't worry!" He says smiling at me. I lie back down on the bed letting out a sigh.
"I CAN'T DO IT!" I scream. I'm so frustrated that I'm not getting anywhere with these songs. I can feel my face heating up and my eyes become wet. All these bad thoughts are screaming inside me telling me I can't do it and I'm not worth this. I pull at the sheets in anger that has built up. Mat puts down his guitar and comes and lies next to me and pulls me into a hug.
"Al your amazing! Your voice is one in a million. My heart melts every time I hear it. Don't let negativity get in the way of what you can accomplish." Mat strokes my head while he says all this. I take a deep breath and sit up. I feel incredibly dizzy after what just happened. I've never felt like this towards a performance before so why now? It makes me feel sick that I'm acting like a five year old. I thought I could do this. But what I've never realised before now is I'm always the back seat. I've never done this sort of thing before so this is new territory for me. I feel like a loose cat that been left in the centre of London to find its own way home.
"Al where's that determination? You normally have so much." Mat says looking at me while I stare into the abyss that is our hotel wall.
"I'm really not sure where any of me is right now." I say putting my shaking hand in my head.
"You have to be determined to do this. Otherwise nothing's going to change."
"Yeah I see but I don't think I can do this." I say looking at the scattered sheets of music that are s spread all over the floor of the room from endless hours of work. That remind me how long we've been doing this.
"Yes we can Al." Please for me. For Lily, for Nat. For Patrick and Reece and your Dad." Mat says putting his now warm arm over my shoulder.
"Ok let's do this!" I say. If I'm going to start doing this I might as well finish it. What we found that worked was that we harmonised for certain parts of the songs we were playing and it actually sounded good. Our voices and guitar fill out tiny hotel room with sound that could provide for the whole of New York. As the sun sets we set up a camera to record our songs and send them to the director to show him what we have. I'm already shaking and nervous. Over the day I've realised I do want to do this even though these negative thoughts are drowning me and making it hard to breath. But with Mat and my friends I think it's going to be ok.
"Hi, I'm Alice Jones. You contacted me a few days ago asking if I would like to perform at your concert. I think it would be great to also participate so I have with the help of my boyfriend Mat come up with a few songs that we would be happy to perform for it." And with that Mat starts playing the first chords to the song Tenerife sea.
"And in that moment I knew you." We sing to finish the song and move swiftly onto Photograph,. We finish playing all the songs that once again filled the room. I wave at the Camara and Mat cuts it off. He turns around to face me with a smile on his face.
"See it wasn't that bad was it!" He says walking over to me.
"No" I say with a sigh.
"Al no matter what they say this is going to be an adventure for both of us." He says kissing me on the cheek.
"All you have to have is determination." He says as he sends the video.