The Little Things ✔️

It hurts

I spend the next few days curled up in my room just thinking. It hurts to think I have to pick between my dream and best friend. It hurts to think I've worked so hard to achieve both and that I have to sacrifice one. It hurts. All over the pain is constant. It's a constant reminder I'm alive. It's a constant reminder I can do so much better. I'm such a skittish person that this really wasn't fun. One day I'd go and see Nat the next I want to follow my dream. I cried all night all day. Mat had been trying so hard to keep me alive. Telling me to drink, eat and sleep. But he so badly didn't want to cause me pain. He had caused me so much over Christmas he didn't want to hurt me more. I obviously didn't see that he had hurt me. It was the third day of just thinking when Mat comes in and puts his arms silently around me. He places a kiss on my raw cheek and brings me closer to him.
"Come on Al you need to do something. Sitting here thinking about it isn't going to get you anywhere." Mat says nuzzling his head into the crook in my neck. I sigh. I really don't feel like even if I tried I could move. All this hurt is pushing me further and further into depression. Mat kisses me again on the cheek.
"Come and see the sun at least. It's a beautiful day and I need you to come and show how it how much more beautiful you are." He says
"I really can't move." I say putting my red hands into my head.
"Then I'll carry you." He says scooping me up like a child and leading me outside. Mat really is right it's a beautiful day outside the sun is shining down from the aqua blue sky. It's fairly warm for this time of year but I still cling to Mat to retain some warmth. Once we have reached our destination he puts me down and holds my hand. We climb up the ladder leading to our get away. We hadn't been here in so long the lights sofa and jar were in the same places as they were before. I walk over to the view and take a deep breath. I turn around to see Mat standing behind me. He opens his arms and I come into them. He puts his hand on my head and pulls me closer to his body.
"Al, don't punish yourself you've done nothing wrong." Mat says pulling a piece of my hair behind my ear. I nuzzle my head closer into him. We've been through so much together that Mat just understands. He understands the pain and hurt I'm putting myself through. We stand there listening to the wind howling before Mat says.
"Al, go and see Nat make sure she's ok. I have a plan for the concert don't worry." I take in a deep breath. It's so much easier when others make choices for me.
"Okay." I say.
"It still hurts." I say looking up at him.
"Then don't let it hurt you." Mat says.
"How?!" I mumble into his jumper.
"You've made your choice and you have to stick with it. Just forget it." He says placing his head on mine.
"I don't know how I can." I say. I feel a tear roll down my face. He pulls me even closer and kisses me.
"I know it hurts." He says. We stand in each other's presence for the rest of the day. Even though it hurts I will get there.