Who We Really are

Chapter 18

"Silence speaks even when words can't." - Unknown.

Argh I almost forgot to update again today. :( sorry it's late. Anywho. Enjoy this chapter

Chapter 18

I slept peacefully that night. Better than I ever have. Not just in the last five years. Better than the last 15 years.

Kennan and I held hands all night. Our beds were somewhat close and it just kind of happened.

When I told him I loved him too the first time. I lied. I didn't want to hurt him. But it's not a lie anymore. I really do love him.

I had a dream about what would've happened if world never ended, but it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare.

In the dream I had trusted Kennan to much and once middle school started in seventh grade we just broke apart. I became a nerd and he became an athlete.

In the grade seven we tried so hard to keep our friendship together, so did our parents. But it was just awkward. We became two different people

Then in eighth grade he made the football team and I made the debate team. Which I loved.

Then we were freshman he got a girlfriend and I got a book.

When we were sophomores. I got a boyfriend, but he used me. Then Kennan got a girlfriend and used her.

During the third grade of high school. Kennan got MVP on the football team and I got MVP on the mathahletes.

In senior year he got an athletic scholarship and I got valedictorian. I gave my speech at graduation and that was the end of us. We had forgotten each other and didn't care about each other anymore. Our memories we had as children when we would look out of our bedroom windows and talk to each other through walkie-talkies was gone.

The memories of us spending the night at each others houses and it wasn't weird was over. We went our separate ways. I went to a college for journalism and he went to college for football.

We both graduated from college and he played in the NFL and I wrote about it. Our paths did cross at my dads funeral. He was there with his wife and kids and I was there with my husband and daughter. We talked but not for long and it seemed to forced and awkward. He told me we needed to get together and catch up, but that didn't happen.

I saw all the pictures of how happy he was online and I was jealous because that was supposed to be me. I had loved Kennan in middle and high school but he didn't love me back. I had to stop looking at all his photos so that I didn't get angry. I was an adult with a husband and daughter yet I was still jealous of his wife.

I woke up and it wasn't storming anymore. Kennan and I were still holding hands. The only diffrence was that he was a asleep and I wasn't. I lay in bed and thought about the meaning of my dream.

It made me feel like I was holding him back from greatness. It made me think that he could and he knows he could do better than me.

Why do I do this to myself? I always bring myself down. Nothing new I guess. I've always compared myself to others. I'm not really good at being proud and loving myself.

How can I fix the world when I can't even fix myself.

Stop. Rehyn you are better than this. I kept telling myself. You are beautiful and you are not bringing Ken down. So stop. I kept repeating all of this in my head.

I just couldn't deal with the quiet because it gets me thinking and then I get upset and lose faith in myself.

I'm fine. There is nothing wrong with me. Why couldn't I understand that. I heard someone open the tent. I assumed it was Ollie considering she is the only one that is supposed to be in here. I acted asleep.