Calories

Chapter Eighteen

"Gerard, I don't want you to die," Frank says.

"Well I'll do anything to be thin and you need to understand this," I say. Tears start rolling down his face, but I don't cry. As much as I want to, I don't. I can't. We can't both cry. One of us has to stay strong. I thought he was the stronger one, but apparently not.

"This is so stupid, Gerard. I really like you. I don't like that you won't eat. If you love me you'll stop with the fucking eating disorder bullshit," Frank says. He doesn't understand. I don't think he'll ever understand. Make him leave.

"I do love you, but this isn't bullshit. If you don't understand this then you don't actually love me," I say. He'll apologize now. He'll let me go now. Maybe he'll suddenly understand. Those are hopes though, not reality.

"Then maybe I don't love you," Frank says.

"Well if you don't love me then let go of my fucking arm and get out of my house. I don't want to talk to you again," I say.

"Gerard... Don't be like this," Frank begs. He still doesn't let go of me.

"Don't be like what? Myself? You don't actually like me at all. You just wanted me for sex. Get the fuck out of my house and don't talk to me again," I say, trying to push him away from me. Now it's getting harder to not cry, but I can handle this. I just have to take deep breaths.

"Gerard, it isn't like that. I love you so much. I don't want you hurting yourself because you don't like you're weight. I would never take advantage of you like that," he says quietly. He looks offended that I would even wonder if he had used me for sex. But it has to be that. There's no other reason for him to be with me if he doesn't like me for who I am.

"If actually loved me you would accept me for who I am and help me get what I want. I want to be thinner. You either help me with that or you get out," I say.

"I'm not interested in helping you damage your body, Gee. Please stop," Frank says. He still won't let go of my wrist. I liked his touch earlier, but now I hate it. It used to offer comfort and safety. Now all it does is trap me from doing what I want. What I need.

"I'm not damaging my body, I'm improving it. Please leave," I say, pulling my wrist away from him, finally getting out of his grasp. Why would getting thinner damage my body? Does he even know what he's talking about?

"Fine. I will leave. If you want to ruin your body, go for it. I don't care anymore. You're fucking insane and I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I am so tired of your fucking bullshit about food. You're probably just doing it for attention anyways," Frank says before leaving. Losing weight won't ruin my body. I don't know why he can't get that through his thick fucking skull. Why would I not eat for attention? That doesn't make any sense at all. If I wanted attention I wouldn't get it by keeping the amount of food I eat a secret from most people.

What a fucking asshole. He doesn't even know what I'm going through. I'm glad he's gone. He never helped me anyways.

We're glad that he left too. I'm glad that my two actual friends still like me. We won't leave you.

Still, I'm upset that Frank left me. Again. Twice within two days. It's okay. He doesn't love you and he never did. We care about you more than he ever did or would.

It still breaks my heart that he would leave me over something as silly as the amount of food I eat. What I eat doesn't affect him, it affects me. It's not like I ever complain to him about being hungry or anything.

He's gone now. You can get rid of the food you ate. Yeah, I guess I can. I go to the bathroom like I had originally planned and I grab my toothbrush like I did yesterday. Good boy. I wince slightly as I feel the toothbrush touch the back of my throat. I have half a second of regret, but we had soup, so this shouldn't be too painful.

I get up a lot, and it looks like more than what I ate. I think you got it all up. You did good. Mia seems a lot nicer than Ana, but I think it's because Ana is more strict. Mia is like the safety net for if I don't listen to Ana.

I close the toilet and flush it, but stay sitting on the floor. I really don't want to move right now. I can't help but think of Frank. I thought he was perfect but he turned out to be a complete asshole.

Even though he was being an asshole right before he left, I can't help but feel heartbroken. He was so nice up until that point and I know I'm going to miss him for a long time.

You shouldn't be, but you're feeling heartbroken over him. He was really important to me. He shouldn't have been. You shouldn't let yourself get attached to people. It's just going to hurt you. But what do I do now? You need to get rid of the emotional pain. How do I do that? Physical pain.

I've always thought it was stupid to cut. But I'm really upset about Frank right now and maybe it could help me take my mind off of him.