Calories

Chapter Twenty One

I cut a few pieces of cheese and take out a few crackers and make little sandwiches with them. I wish I could control myself, but I can't. But it's okay, because I can always purge afterwards and I won't gain weight.

I stop when I notice that there are hardly any crackers left. I check the time and it's already 10:30. I thought it would be closer to 9:30, but I guess I'm wrong. Mikey will be done with school at 2:30 which means I have about four hours. What the fuck am I supposed to do for four hours?

You have to purge, remember? Shit, I almost forgot about it. Thank God I have Mia to remind me.

I walk upstairs to the bathroom and lean over the toilet like I've done for the past two days. I grab my toothbrush and start hitting the back of my throat with it, but it doesn't work as well. Use the other end. But won't that hurt my throat? It will work, isn't that all that matters? Right. I have to get thin. That's my only goal.

I switch ends of the toothbrush and gag instantly. It hurts, but it does get the job done, so that's what matters, right? Everything comes up fast and it feels like it's scraping my throat as it comes up. I guess I should have chewed the crackers better, but it's too late to do anything about it now.

Keep going. But I got some of it up, isn't that enough? Some of it isn't all of it. You'll get fat if you don't get it all up. Back to the toothbrush.

I finally get as much up as I can and rinse out my mouth with water. Damn it, that was so gross. The question now is, what do I do now. There's plenty of time left in the day still until I need to pick up Mikey.

You could exercise. You won't get thin enough without exercise. Exercise could get me to my goal sooner. Then after I'm done I can take a shower and clean off my leg. What type of exercise should I do though? Jumping jacks. As many as you can. Then you can try other things.

I think I once read that one jumping jack can burn anywhere between half a calorie and two calories. I'm assuming that because of my weight I would burn closer to half a calorie per jumping jack.

How many should my goal be? Start with 100 and then take a small break. I start doing the jumping jacks but everytime I land a sharp pain runs through my thigh. I choose to ignore it though. If I stopped doing something every time I got uncomfortable I would get nowhere.

21, 22, 23, 24. By now I'm breathing pretty heavy and my legs feel slightly weak. But I have to get to 100. I can't be weak. 49, 50, 51, 52. I'm over halfway to a 100. I can do this. I feel a cramp in my side but I do my best to ignore it.

97, 98, 99, 100. I did it. I did 100 jumping jacks. I sit down on the floor. That was harder than I thought it would be. You can do more. I need a break first though. I want to do more. Anything to get thinner. Especially if Ana wants me to do it.

I go to the kitchen to get some water. If you drink a bunch of water then you'll lose weight faster. I grab a large water bottle and fill it up all the way. I drink at least a third of it before going back to jumping jacks. 100 more. You can do it.

The next 100 aren't any easier, but they also don't seem much harder than the first 100. I'm just a little bit more tired now. 47, 48, 49, 50. I need a break. You only get breaks to drink water. I guess I'm having a water break.

I drink as much water as I can, almost finishing off the water bottle. It's hard to drink the water when I'm breathing so heavily, but I do it anyways

The next 50 jumping jacks are what get me. They feel like so much more work and I regret taking the break but I have to do them. It take me a while, but I get them done.

I bet you could do more. Not right now. Yes you can. I thought you were strong. I'm strong, but not strong enough to do more right now. You're such a weak bitch. I can't deal with you right now. Maybe I'll help you later.

Well, it looks like Ana might ignore me for a while, and now I feel bad. I should have just done more jumping jacks. I'm so pathetic. I only burned like 100 calories. Ana's right. I am weak.

I decide to take a shower since I don't think I'll be doing much more for the rest of the day anyways. I go to the bathroom and turn on the water and stepping in after taking off my clothes.

I was not expecting the shower to hurt my leg and my wrist, and I don't know why. It's not like it's much different from when I washed my wrist in the sink yesterday. Still, it was unexpected pain.

I carefully wash off my leg before I decide to wash my hair. I usually don't wash it too much since if I clean it too much the black hair dye will come out, but I need to wash it sometimes I guess.

I finish my shower and blow dry my hair. I decide to weigh myself. 110 pounds. I'm losing weight faster than I expected but it still isn't enough.

I still have plenty of time before I have to drive back to school, and I end up looking at thinspo pictures online. Most of them are of females and that sort of pisses me off, because that doesn't really help me.

I decide to look at specifically male thinspo. That's a lot better. I can get more of an idea of what my goal should be this way. The pictures of the girls did make me want to lose weight, definitely. The ones of guys are just more useful to me right now.

I find a picture of someone with a similar body shape to mine and it makes me feel better about myself. Some people might consider a body like mine to be thin enough to be on a thinspo blog? I feel better until I see the next picture.

The next person is of a guy whose waist seems to be close to half the size of mine. I could count his ribs if I wanted to, and his hip bones are so prominent. I'd give anything to have a body like that.

You have to give up food to get a body like that.