Calories

Chapter Nineteen

I go into the bathroom and take apart a razor that I find under the sink. This will do. It has three blades, which is plenty. I sit down on the toilet lid and take one of the blades in my right hand and touch my left wrist with it.

The metal feels cold against my skin, but in a good way. I hesitate for a second. I'm scared. I don't want this. Yes you do. It will help you. Maybe it could help. Instead of thinking of myself as the emo kid cutting in the bathroom, I'll think of myself as an artist, but my skin is the canvas and the blade can be my pencil. I feel better about it if I think of it like this.

I press down harder until I feel it break the skin. It causes me to feel a sharp sting but I still drag it across my wrist. In a way it feels good.

I pick up the blade and see blood slowly dripping down my arm. It's a pretty shade of red and I like the way it looks as droplets slide down my arm. I decide to do another one right below it. This time I don't feel the sting as much.

I end up with five cuts on my left wrist, one for each letter in Frank's name. I'm not crazy enough to carve his name into my skin, but I still want there to be a reminder of why I did this.

I set the blade down and just watch the blood form in droplets before sliding down my skin. It dark red blood contrasts well with the pale color of my skin. I love the way this looks. It's almost mesmerizing. I consider doing more, but I know I should stop before I get too carried away. It wouldn't be good to get in a habit of doing this.

I decide that I should wash off the blood before it stains my skin too much so I turn on the sink. I make sure the water isn't too hot or too cold. I quickly put my wrist under the water and it stings. Almost as much as the initial pain of actually using the blade, but not quite. I want to take my arm out of the water but I can't do that. I need to clean off my arm.

I can't just casually walk out of the bathroom covered in blood. Once I clean my arm to the best of my abilities I go back into my room and lie down on my bed.

I look at my wrist and instantly regret doing what I did. Now I need to find a way to cover it up at school. Long sleeves and sweatshirts. But now I have to wear that everyday until the cuts fade into scars and aren't as noticeable.

I just won't do it again. These will be the only scars I'll create myself. This was just a one time thing.

Although I forgot about the shitty things Frank said to me while I was marking my skin, it doesn't stop me from thinking about it now. Today really fucking sucked.

I start crying because I just can't help it anymore. I feel hungry, my wrist hurts, and I lost Frank. If he hadn't gotten mad at me for no reason then I could be cuddling with him now and my arm wouldn't have come in contact with a blade. This is all his fault.

I roll onto my side, being slightly conscious of my movements so I don't hurt my wrist before I fall asleep.

I wake up before my alarm goes off but I get up anyways. I'll just have an extra half hour to get ready. I search through my clothes before I decide to just wear the same pants as yesterday.

I consider wearing the same shirt, but then I remember that I need to wear a long sleeve. I find a sweatshirt and go into the bathroom and take a twenty minute long shower because I have time to do that today. I step out of the shower and dry off slightly before wrapping the towel around my waist.

I need to wake up Mikey so that he has enough time to get ready before we have to leave. I yell at him to wake up, but not so loud that it'll wake up my parents also.

As soon as I know that he's going to get up I go back to the bathroom to get dressed, taking my time. I can't let my family see my cuts, especially Mikey. That would be a disaster.

As I put on the sweatshirt the sleeve rubs my wrist and it hurts, causing my to whine quietly. I blow dry my hair because I hate going to school with wet hair. I check my phone and there's still ten minutes left until I have to go.

I see my mom's eyeliner and decide that if I wash it off as soon as I get home from school she won't know. I really liked the way I looked with eyeliner. It just made me feel better about myself I guess.

Mikey takes up until the last second to finish getting ready. We get in the car and leave the driveway.

"I thought mom didn't want you using her makeup," MIkey comments.

"It's fine as long as she doesn't find out," I say.

"Okay... Why did Frank leave again last night?" Mikey asks me. Why is he so nosey?

"That's none of your business," I tell him.

"Wouldn't it be a shame if mom found out that you 'borrowed' her makeup again without her permission?" Mikey says trying to blackmail me. And it works, because mom would be pissed if I borrowed her makeup again after she told me not to.

"We got in another argument and now he hates me for real this time," I admit. I hadn't said it out loud to myself before this and I feel a pang of pain in my heart. It seems more real after saying it out loud.

"Oh." That's all he has to say about it? Why is everyone so rude? It's okay. You're brother is like Frank. He doesn't really care about you. Ana's probably right. Mikey's like Frank. He's just going to use me to get what he wants.

We arrive in the parking lot with just in time to have exactly eight minutes to get inside the building, grab our stuff from out lockers and get to class. Usually we have closer to ten, but Mikey took too long to get ready this morning. I should have woken him up before my shower.

Frank's already at the locker. He ignores that I'm standing next to him and continues to get his binder out of the locker.

"Excuse me asshole, but you appear to be in my way," I say, loud enough that he can't ignore me. I'm not ready to be nice to him, so I'm not going to call him nice things.

"Sorry, I didn't see you standing there, you're so tiny," he says as he moves out of the way. Looks like he's still being an asshole anyways. I have the top shelf of the locker since Frank is so short. I reach up to grab my binder for my first class, but my sleeve moves, I try to fix it, but Frank sees my cuts.