Calories

Chapter Twenty Two

After picking up Mikey I decide that tomorrow I'll stay at school the whole day. It'll take my mind off of food and it'll give me something productive to do. Might as well try a little bit. Besides, if I focus on my classes maybe I can ignore Frank.

Frank. What am I going to do about him? I want to avoid him. He hurt me so bad and I don't know if I'll ever recover from the heartbreak he caused me. I loved him so much and I might still love him even if I really don't want to feel that way.

There's other things I want to do to him. I want to make him jealous. I want to make him sorry he ever made me so upset. I want to show him everything he's missing out on. I want to get back at him.

But I also want him back. He made everything better, even if he did want me to change my body. But I can't take him back. Even if he wanted me back. He hates my body, so how could he ever actually love me?

...

A few weeks go by. School is a living hell. I hate Frank. I know I do. I have to hate him. But everytime I see him my heart flutters like it does when you have a stupid crush on someone. It's even worse if the two of us are somehow forced into a conversation together.

I get called stupid names like "fag" or "emo" in the halls but I ignore it. The people making fun of me don't matter. Only the people who care about me matter. The people that matter are Ana, Mia and my family.

Some days I eat, but most days I don't. I try not to purge too often since I know it can damage my throat, but sometimes Mia makes me and Ana agrees with her. They know what's best.

I've lost more weight, and I'm down to about 102 pounds. I'm closer to my goal than I ever expected to get and I thank Ana and Mia for that. I look a lot better than I used to, but still not the best I could be. Ana knows I can do better and I know I can too.

I've started having people stare at me in the hallways. They think I don't hear their whispers, but I do. Some people say nice things like, "He's so thin," and, "I wish I could lose weight like him." Other people say mean things like, "Ew he looks so gross," and, "I think he needs help." I ignore the mean things people say. I don't need help. I have Ana and Mia helping me already.

I try to focus on the nice things people say about me, but the rude people still get to me. But I have my small, sharp friends to help me forget about those people. They help me whenever I feel sad. I can never get enough of the feeling they give me.

Sometimes it gets hard to focus in class because I get a little lightheaded, but I do my best to take notes and pay as much attention as I can. I want to lead at least a slightly successful life after school, and it will be pretty hard to do that if I fail all my classes.

Everyday instead of going to the cafeteria for lunch I go to the library, that way I can get work done. If I go to the cafeteria I'm tempted by food and if I sit in my car I'm tempted to go home. It wouldn't be very good to skip the end of the school day every single day.

Everyday seems to get harder yet easier. On the days that I go without eating, they seem to get easier. I've gotten accustomed to the feeling of hunger. The feeling is sort of enjoyable. It's sort of serves as a constant reminder that I'm losing weight and that I'll look better if I keep it up. The hard part is getting through the day. I get headaches often, and when I stand up quickly I get lightheaded for a while. I feel a little weaker than normal, but Ana reminds me it's worth it for a thinner body.

Some days though, the weakness is almost unbearable. Those days I bring something like an apple to school and eat it during lunch, even though I'm not supposed to eat in the library. The librarians don't seem to mind. Ana doesn't usually get mad either, as long as it isn't more than once a week.