Calories

Chapter Twenty

"First you have an eating disorder, now you self harm? What the fuck is wrong with you? I was right, you are fucking crazy!" Frank says, quiet enough that no one else will hear him besides me. He pisses me off so much. Tell him how you feel. Tell him how much he pisses you off. Tell him how much of an asshole he is.

"Maybe if you weren't a fucking asshole all the fucking time to me I wouldn't be in this situation," I say, looking him dead in the eye. Fuck. I still like him. A lot. But I also hate him for what he did to me. He used to be perfect to me, but now he isn't. He's anything other than perfect.

I look at him and I can tell my words hurt him. Good. He deserves it. He hurt me so I get to hurt him.

"How could you possibly blame this on me? You were the one who wasn't making any sense last night. It's not my fault you decided to hurt yourself after I left," Frank says.

"Because you're the one who hurt me in the first place. It helped me forget about it for a while," I say.

"If we're going to have this argument I don't want to do it in school," Frank says, starting to turn around. I grab his shoulder and force him to face me.

"Then let's skip. We can sit in my car and argue about this until you're done arguing and see that I'm right and you're just another fucking idiot," I say.

"That's the problem with you, Gerard. You are so stubborn that even if you were to realise that you fucked up big time you would continue arguing your original point. You're so stupid that I don't think you could ever even realise that you were wrong in the first place," he says, pulling himself out of my grip and walking away.

"I'm glad you fucking left yesterday. I'm so done with your bullshit," I say before he's out of hearing range.

The bell rings for class to start but instead of going to class I go outside to my car. I can't deal with Frank's bullshit today and it's not like I care about my classes in the first place.

I turn on my car, but at this point I can't help myself. I start crying. It's not like normal crying though, it's gross sobbing. I'm glad I didn't cry like this in the hallway.

I go home, and decide I'll just go back to pick up Mikey near the end of the day. My parents won't find out that I skipped.

I go inside and run up to my room. I didn't start driving until I had calmed down a bit, but now I'm so upset all over again and I can't handle this. Why does Frank have to keep hurting me like this?

Because he's an asshole, that's why. Just get over him already. He isn't good enough for you. You could do so much better than him. But I love him. Well you shouldn't. All he ever did was use you. What do I do now? You still have your blades... I don't want to do that again. You could eat something. It'll make you feel better. Getting fat won't make me feel better. You can always just purge after. Doing that everyday is really unhealthy. Do you want to be thin or not? We're trying to help you.

I go downstairs to find a snack. I don't want to cut again, but I do need some way to get my mind off of things. Mia's right, I can always just purge afterwards.

I want to eat something soft, so it won't hurt coming back up. I look through the fridge but don't find anything. I look in the cupboards and I find pudding and jello mix. I look on the boxes but they take a few hours to make. I decided to make them now so I can have them later and after mixing the water and stuff in with the mixes I continue looking for food.

I want something I can eat immediately, but all of the quick and easy foods are chips and crackers. I end up eating cheese and crackers even though I know I'll regret it later.

I sit down at the table with a box of crackers, a block of cheese and a knife. I look down at everything in front of me, my focus landing on the knife. Think about what you could do with that knife. It would feel so good to drag it across my skin and to watch the blood slowly seep through my skin.

You don't have to do that. Just eat. But the idea of the blade against my skin seems so pleasant.

No. I can't do that again. I decided it would be a one time thing and I don't want to do it again. It would be a terrible habit. But you know how good the cold metal feels on your skin. It feels so good.

I leave the food at the table and go upstairs to get the blades I got from the razor in the bathroom yesterday. I'd rather use those than a knife. I sit on the edge of the tub and roll up my sleeve.

I think about this before I do it. Do I really want to cause more scars? I know it feels good when I do it. But I left it at five on my wrist for a reason, and I want to remember the reason.

I pull my sleeve down and decide my thigh would be a better option. No one will see the cuts if they're on my thigh. I take off my pants leaving myself in my sweatshirt and boxers. I probably look really fucking stupid right now, but I decide to not focus on that right now.

I take one of the blades in my right hand and press it down to the warm flesh on the inside of my thigh. The silver metal feels so inviting and friendly against my skin.

Am I really going to do this again? I think about it for a second but I remember the nice feeling I got while I did it and stop hesitating. I press harder until I feel the harsh sting of it cutting into my skin.

I have more space on my thigh so I decide I might be able to draw something with the blade. I start making a design, of some sorts. There's flowers, stars and hearts. The blood makes the whole thing look so pretty. Much prettier than if I had drawn this out on paper. It looks so much better than it did before... It's an improvement.

I eventually stop and look down at my leg. I got a little carried away, covering most of my left thigh with red lines. Just the feeling of the sharp metal against my leg is so addicting.

But what I just did was bad. It's not good to cut yourself. I feel regret instantly, and now I need to be cheered up from what I just did to myself. You could always eat the food you got out... I forgot that I got out food to eat.

I know that I should probably clean up my leg and put on pants but I'm also really lazy and I want to eat. Plus no one is here to see me or care.

I feel a pain in my stomach reminding me that I haven't really consumed very many calories in the last few days. It makes me feel better though. It makes me feel thinner. You aren't thin enough yet. I don't want you to eat that food. It has so many calories. You can eat it. Just remember to purge afterwards.

I just think about the food and how good it will taste, and how good it will feel to chew it up. I ignore Ana and listen more to Mia. She's more forgiving, and after all the stressful situations I've been through in the last few days I can't help but to binge.