Thank You California.

Well Actually..

*Colleen's pov*
It's official. I'm carrying a child in my stomach. It's a very scary thought but that's not what scares me the most. What scares me the most is the worry of Joshua not being able to be with me, and leave me to protect his own ass. I'm sure he wouldn't, but you never know. I knew it was for sure when a couple days ago, I woke up and as I was showering I felt a slight bump on my stomach. When I got out of the shower I checked in the mirror and my stomach was a tad larger. I snapped a picture of me with my shirt lifted just enough to see my belly with my Polaroid camera.

Dear Joshua,
I'm pregnant. Well, we are pregnant. I'm nervous about the baby, scared what will happen to me, but not the same scared I feel when I think about the day you will leave me to save yourself from getting caught. I am regretting that day. But everyday is a day closer..

And with that, I taped the Polaroid to the bottom of the page and put the journal back in a hidden and safe place.

Summer vacation is in two months, and we were planning to tell people our relationship before then so we didn't have to hide inside to be together all the time. But now that I'm carrying Joshua's child, I have no idea what, how or when we will tell people. Right now, I don't even want to tell people what I just found out. But I do want to tell Mia. I trust her with my soul and could tell her everything and anything. I will see her after school. We made plans to go to her place and go shopping after dinner.

I go to school and have a normal day. Secretly flirt with Josh in English, meet him in the library with Becky for lunch, and then after school meet either Josh or Mia. Sometimes both. Today was just Mia and we start walking towards her place. I wait 'till we get somewhere more private to talk to her about things. "Hey um, I kind of need to tell you something." I say my voice cracking. "hit me" she says in response. "well," I start. I feel intense butterflies in my stomach and they aren't the good kind. "it's about Josh and I," I explain. "okay? Colleen, what else can you possibly be nervous about at this point with him? first you give me the impression 'he's just a friend', then it's 'oh we were dating!'. what now? it's not like you guys got pregnant." she laughs. My lips go into a straight line. I play with my hands because my palms are sweaty, I feel like my stomach is about to explode. I feel a wave of nausea come over me as I'm thinking to myself, get it over with. Do it now so you don't have to do it later. Have trust in your best friend. "Well actually.." I choke out. She stops in her tracks. I shut my eyes tightly regretting telling her anything at all. "You're joking" she insist. I pause for a moment before I look down at my belly and shake my head no. "Colleen! Do you know what that can do to you! You could die!" she whisper-yells as we are still outside and anyone could hear us. "I know I know! it was a complete accident. When we went camping for the weekend... we got carried away." I finish. "fuck Colleen. Why did you and your boyfriend have to get pregnant? You're not a professional." she says saying the word 'boyfriend' harshly, to make me realize I shouldn't even have a boyfriend. "look, I'm sorry but I'm not covering this one up. This is to dangerous at this point. I'm sorry Colleen but you're on your own." she says with a sad expression on his face. I keep my head down. "I understand. I didn't want you to be mad or disappointed in me. I just felt I needed to tell you." I say. "well thanks for telling me. I won't tell anyone but I'm not in on this anymore." she says. I sadly nod as I feel a tear go down my face. I quickly wipe it away so she doesn't see it and I lift my head up. I give her a fake smile and nod to be polite. I start to walk different directions she was going in. "Hey where are you going? Just because I don't want to know anymore of your secrets doesn't mean we can't be friends and do friend stuff." she says trying to cheer me up. "nah that's all good. I should um go see Josh." I say sniffling. She nods sadly. "I'm sorry." she whispers once more and then turns around to walk away from me. Now who am I going to tell everything to? Shane is still an option but he's a guy. He won't understand as much as Mia did. All Shane knows is that Josh and I are secretly a couple.

I walk to Joshua's house with my head down the whole time. I eat dinner at his house instead and I cry on his shoulder half of the evening. I slept at my house because my dads didn't know I ever went to Joshua's tonight. They want us to get some distance but that's not going to happen. Unless, Joshua decides to leave me..

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