I tell you I am fine
Because that is what I have been conditioned to do
Because that is the only acceptable thing to do
I am not allowed to blame any of my pain on another
I am to act just as an adult would and throw away all of the childish thoughts
While simultaneously I am not supposed to grow up too fast
I tell you that I am fine
Because every time I explain why I feel the way I feel
I am told that I need to suck it up because my motives and opinions are invalid
I am told that self diagnosis is not actually diagnosis
But the only reason why a professional has not diagnosed me
Is because my parents believe there is nothing wrong
And these years are the years I need the most support from a mother and father
But I am told that I should be grown up by now
I am told I should be able to handle myself
I am told that I can fix all of my problems with sheer force of will
But I want to die everyday because no matter how hard I try and fall back into this indefinite pit
I am afraid because no one is here to pull me out
I am afraid because I am told I don't have a future ahead
Because I am throwing away my future for college
I am told college is the only way
But I don't know how I can stand even another 2 years of school after high school
I am told that bad teachers are no excuse
I am told that I have to make the best of every situation
I am told that school is nothing like work
But do you come home after 7 hours only to work for 3 or 4 more
I am told I cannot be tired all the time
That I have no right
But mentally I am exhausted
I wake up with a weight on my shoulders
And I tell you I am fine
Because telling you anything else would worsen the situation I am already in
I am told that having a roof over your head is something to be happy for
But my step mother hardly does more than the minimum required for parenthood
And my father is never around to notice what occurs in my life
I am told my parents are busy and stressed
But when my dad never come to concerts or events
How I am supposed to feel
I am told that mental illness is solely my fault
But how can no blame rest on my parents
The weight of blame cuts into my skin and only brings me down more
I am told to stop "feeling sorry for myself"
I am told that my parents grew up in a broken society so I have no right to criticize
But all they do is pass the brokenness on to me
