Fat Ugly Lies

Chapter 10

I'd woken up at six in the morning the following day.
Saturday
The day I'd meet my brother's boyfriend.
He told me that the boy was younger.
About my age.
Which was only a year younger than him.

I wondered if I knew the boy,
Probably not.
I don't know many people.
I don't try to,
In all honesty.

They'd probably just leave me again,
Like always.

I decided for breakfast that a banana would be enough,
It wasn't the best fruit of choice for someone of my size.
But it was filling and built up energy that I could use throughout the day without topping up with snacks.

It was nice weather to go on a jog.
Everyone was asleep,
After all, it was Saturday.
I went on jogs early in the morning because it would stop people from seeing me.

No one I know would be up so early,
Not on the weekends.
And my mother would think I was on another, 
Another one of those crash diet and push your body to the maximum routines,
Which I'd tried on many occasions.

But they never felt right.
I couldn't stick to them.
They made me weak and I'd end up eating something I shouldn't mid day.
And then I'd hate myself,
Then force myself to try again
And the cycle continues...

But I don't do that anymore.
I exercise for one or two hours every day,
In private,
And in separate sections,
And I constantly change it.
So I don't get bored and give up.

I try to eat balanced meals.
But that's a lot harder.
So I'd say I eat like a regular human.
Generally healthy.

My mother and brother won't let me give in to cravings,
They help me stop binge eating.
I'm grateful for that.
Very grateful.

And yet my body refuses to get slim.
But I try not to think about it voluntarily.
I try to hate myself with and around other people.
So when I'm being teased,
Or bullied,
Or mocked,

I'll laugh with them -sometimes,
Because I hate me too.
I hate my face, my body and everything else.
I hate that there are too many things wrong with me.
I let them beat me up because I feel I deserve it.

For whatever crooked, twisted reason,
And I still don't know why,
But I feel the need for a punishment.
I'll tell you now I'm not a masochist.

I hate pain but when you're a disgusting figure on this planet,
Like me
You deserve to know your place.
However violent and scarring it may be.

They don't care.
So I don't see why I should.
I stopped.
Caring
Trusting
Believing
All of it is non existent inside of me for me.