Fat Ugly Lies

Chapter 11

Mother and I were setting the dinner table.
She had prepared a banquet,
Fit for royalty,
That was how excited she was.

And nervous.
She cooked when she was nervous.
In fact she might have been even more nervous than brother.
Who was also exceptionally nervous.

The only one with the cool head around here was me.
And that was saying something.
I'm never calm.
Every minute of my life is spent feeling anxious,
Worried,
Fearful.

If you looked up the definition of pessimist,
My name would be printed in block capitals.
Because I am the ultimate pessimist.
I only see the downsides of a situation.

The problems,
The errors,
Big and small,
Certain and close to impossible,
I list all of them,
So then I'm less likely to get disappointed,
Because I've foreseen fate.

Or, if everything goes to plan,
Goes perfectly,
Then I allow myself to be an ounce more happy than I should be.

But today I was not the pessimist.
I was the optimist.
Listing positive outcomes and motivational phrases,
To my hectic family.

Brother was watching mother at the stove,
Like a hawk.
His eyes following her every move.
Making sure that she didn't mess up in the slightest.

Everything had to be perfect.
Or close enough.
And I very truly thought that it would.
It was all going to plan.

The food was beautiful.
We all were dressed in decent attire,
Scratch that,
Fucking fancy attire,
That I wasn't aware I even owned.

The table looked one you'd see in a posh restaurant,
A 3 Michelin star restaurant
Top notch,
Credit to me for that,

My artistic blood, allowed me to add a bit of personality,
A bit of flair,
To everyday life.
To jazz it up.

The house looked out of place in the neighbourhood,
Which was a remarkably good thing,
We were a fancy family,
With a fancy dinner,
Waiting for our guest of honour.
Things were going great.

Were

The doorbell rang.
Once. Twice.
Brother froze up.
Mother was in the dining room.
So I took it upon myself to answer.

It was exciting.
Seeing the boy who accepted my brother.
Who brother was willing to show us,
Who brother trusted would still appreciate him even after seeing his family and place of residence.

This was a special person.

And so I eagerly opened the door.
I blinked.
Once.
Twice.
This was a dream right?
I'm seeing things.

This isn't real.
This can't be real.
But of course it was.
Because things can't go right in my life.

Things have to fuck up somewhere,
The universe tests me everyday of my sorry life.
It doesn't give me a break.

I realise I've been standing too long.
I step to the side.
I allow them in.
I allow you in.