Fat Ugly Lies

Chapter 15

This was supposed to be an important night.
Yet I'm struggling to remember,
Most of the details,
It went too smoothly for me to comprehend.

I'd spent the whole evening looking for you to show a flaw,
To slip up,
Even just once
So I could expose you
For who you truly were,

Because I knew you were not that kind, polite guy that I witnessed at the table.

Most definitely not.
Much rather you were the polar opposite.

I keep trying to put it out of my mind.
To make myself believe that maybe you were really gay,
Maybe you could be nice, or kind;
A good boyfriend.

But the more I thought about it the less likely it seemed.

Ugh why is life so complicated?!
I screamed into my pillow
It was the best way to relieve stress,
Cry out to no one in particular,
Release anxiety, fear and stress.

I feel sorry for that pillow.
It's been through so much shit in its life,
For example, putting up with my shit.

I tried to drop the subject,
Put my mind at ease,
But I couldn't,
It was clear I'd be having a restless night.

When I was distressed like this,
There was only one thing that could put my mind at rest,
Art,
Sketching mainly,
But in dire cases like theses,
Painting is the only think that could help me come out from deep down in the dumps,

There was one issue however,
It was 1 in the night.
I don't think scuttling around the house looking for my supplies,
Would be much appreciated,
Seeing as everyone else was fast asleep.

But if I was quiet enough,
I'm sure I'd go unnoticed.
And my lamp wasn't too bright,
It was enough for me to see.

It took about 8 minutes to retrieve my things,
It usually takes less time,
But when you're being discreet,
Things prove much more difficult.

I precariously placed everything on the desk and breathed,
In and out,
Ready to release my emotions onto the black canvas.