Save Me [A Norman Reedus fanfiction - Part 1 - COMPLETED]

Chapter Twenty-Eight - What I Was Unable To Say

˝Reira! I'm home!˝ I could hear the front door shut and Norman's steps in the house, searching after me. Then he realized I must be outside so he was coming closer to the back porch I had been sitting since Silence had left. The only thing changed that I cleaned up the glass in the kitchen, threw into garbage the unfinished bottle of beer and was the amount of cigarettes I had. I smoked a full pack within half of an hour and I even had to go into Norman's room to look after another pack.

When Norman stepped through the treshold, his eyes locked into mine, searching for the most evitable evidences whether I took drugs during the weekend or not. When he didn't find what he was looking for, the searching eyes changed into calm ones. Norman was calm. I was broken.

˝Okay, I guess it's alright.˝ He said, referring to the cigarette in my hand and the amount of finished ones in the ashtray. ˝You've been doing an amazing job refusing the urge to smoke and having a few during the weekend isn't a big deal...˝ I was sure he only wanted to persuade himself. And I didn't want to bust his little pink balloon of fantasies about me being all saint-like. ˝How was the weekend?˝ He asked, sitting down onto the other chair where only a day ago his best friend had been sitting, the one I fucked mercilessly for a day. I felt my stomach flip in my body. Even so I knew I have to keep my shit together. I couldn't let Norman find out the happenings of the weekend.

I planned the whole thing. He would come home, I would look into his eyes and would tell him all about my love and we would live happily ever after... But everything has changed.

˝Great, actually. I managed to finish a painting and to start a new one.˝ I said as fast that I hoped he wouldn't realize me lying. ˝And I cleaned the house as well.˝ I added just to not only tell lies.

˝Yeah, I smelled. Don't smoke inside for a while or you'll blow up the house...˝ Norman joked. I knew I have used the amount of cleaning supplies within a weekend I used to use for a whole year. For the first time in a while I smiled honestly.

˝And I found the dvds of the show so I started to watch it.˝ I turned to Norman because I knew it would find him happy to hear. I was right, he beamed a huge smile at me then started to bombard me with questions about the seasons and Daryl's development and stuffs. 'I've forgotten how you looked like six years ago. It was weird to see you with sandy short hair.' I confessed and Norman laughed.

'Jeez, it'd be so weird to have that kinda hair again.'

'And you were chubbier.' I laughed at him as I remembered how much he secretly worked out to become a bit more fit just so he shouldn't had to give up on burgers and beer. He always told everyone it was the running around in the humid Georgia wheather which kept him being fit... Oh yes... Dumbasses would have believed it easily.

Norman laughed that his laughter turned into a light, a bit bitter smile. 'You've missed a few things during the years, Reira. I wish you could have been participated in those things we lived through with Mingus. I don't mean the media hysterics but being able to travel to Jamaica together as a family or just riding around the country or whatever...' Norman's voice trailed off and he took a deep breathe in. 'I still feel responsible for what had happened to you and I always will.'

That hit me in the guts. I didn't think he would still beat himself for Kieran's death. I did blame him for many years but I'd realized he did nothing wrong. Suddenly, Norman burst into tears and by some kind of inner instincts, I hurried to him and crounched down next to him, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly. My movement surprised him, we still hasn't been the cuddling typed people but I think it was only because I wasn't the one to bear it. Norman, on the other side wrapped his arms around me like it had been the most natural thing on the Earth. And as he pulled me onto his lap and hugged me tightly, I felt like home. The tears I cried were happy tears even if my heart broke by the thought of Norman punishing himself for something he didn't commit.

'Norm... You should stop it.' I pushed the words through my teeth, caressing the skin of the back of his head. 'You did nothing wrong. Kieran... Kieran... It was a stupid accident. He was high just like I was. We shouldn't have gone to you in the first place.'

'If I wouldn't have wanted to show off how awesome I was...' He replied with too much sarcasm against himself but I cut him off.

'Stop.' I pulled away to be able to look into his already puffy red eyes. It wasn't only the tears, he was also extremely tired. I wiped away a few teardrops with the pad of my thumbs and he got my hands in the movement, looking deep into my eyes.

'Forgive me, Reira.' He whispered, right into my heart. 'I need you to forgive me for betraying you. For leaving you alone, sending you away every once in a while when you needed me the most. For taking my carrier in front of you. For being a shit of a foster dad and a shit of a friend. I beg for your forgiveness, Reira.'

I heard every words like they were coming from the distance, echoing in my mind. My focus was only on Norman's pleading eyes, their beautiful dance on my face looking for a glimpse of mercy. I knew he needed me to say the words, to give him solace, to let his soul rest after years of suffering. I knew he had been suffering with me all along the years. Only he wasn't caged into rehabs.

But I couldn't say it.

I wanted to show him.

Without realizing I slowly leant forward him, to show him that I wasn't even angry, that I didn't blame him anymore but moreover I felt for him in ways I shouldn't have and that I felt love for him, love which could lift us or kill us. For a nanosecond Norman leant forward me too but then he pulled away, with a confused face.

For long seconds, there was only silence. Deep and dark silence. We still kept each other in the other's arms but only because of the shock. Thankfully, the ringing of Norman's phone saved us – mostly me. I shot up from his lap and left to my room, closing the door, crouching down in the corner of my room.

What have I done?! He's going to hate me for this!

I silently started to sob over my stupidity. I knew I screwed it up, big time. Soon, I heard a knock on my door and I shot up again like a hunted deer and wiped my tears away messily with the back of my hand.

'Yes?' I called out, even I could hear the shaking of my voice.

'Reira...' Norman said, his voice was filled with more sadness. 'I...I...'

He can't even say a full sentence to me. He doesn't even open the door to look into my face.

˝Nicotero called me. He asked if we would like to meet him in the city for supper?˝ He asked, unsure. ˝I told him I ask you but we don't have to if you don't feel like...˝

˝I want to.˝ A suddent confidence filled me.

Damn, I'm not gonna be a coward anymore.

I opened the door to find a surprised Norman on the other side. The phone in his hand, Greg was still in line. I took the phone out of Norman's hand and answered it.

˝Greg? Hi. ... Yes, that would be lovely. ... Meet you in an hour then. ... Bye.˝ I said and gave the phone back to Norman. ˝Meeting in an hour in the city. Get ready.˝ I said turning around and closing the door into his face.