Insecurities

Chapter Nine

Baileys POV: 

     Running my hands over my face groaning I could hear the pitter patter of Mels feet as she ran around the flat excitedly squealing. Dooms say has arrived, I had become overly anxious after running into Harry at the coffee shop yesterday. The thought of food made my insides quiver and I'm not able to hold a single conversation. I've grown increasingly frustrated by myself ever since I arrived back here to the UK, all of the work that I've done on myself inside and out seems hopelessly useless because of Harry. All of my confidence seems to fade away whenever we are in a ten block radius of one another. Time and time again I've thought of what I would say or do to him when this time came around gets erased from my memory bank when the time for action comes. 

     Looking across the room at Mollie I wished I could sleep with as much ease as her. All night every scratch on the window or moan from the floorboard caused me to stir in my bed and keep me awake. Laying in bed I can feel my heart pumping a million miles per hour, I felt like my lungs were starting to collapses. My thoughts are drowning me, closing my eyes and counting to ten I wait for my breathing to even out but all it's all a lost cause. I fell like a grown man is sitting on my chest laughing menacingly in my face. I want to call out to anyone but my mouth is dryer than a dessert. A image of Harry passes through my mind and my heart jumps into my throat cutting off all of my oxygen. My mouth is opening and closing like a fish out of water and my hand is over my heart feeling the rapid pace.

"Rise and shi- fuck Bailey are you all right?" Mel races towards me and anything I try and say comes out as a dry croak.

"Sammy I need some water in here." She yells and Mollie finally awakens letting out seal noises and siting her tired eyes I could have used her five minutes again. Mel kneels beside my bed brushing my hair back from my sweaty forehead when Sam enters my room briskly Mel helps me sit up and I quickly grasp the glass in my hand I don't even care about the liquid dripping down my chin as I chug it down. Happy to have moisture in my mouth again.

"Thanks." I choke out as Sammy leaves hopefully to refill my glass.

"Are you feeling better?" Mollie asks from her bed and I nod my head as I wipe away the water. Finally my breathing goes back to normal and the man on my chest disappears I'm thankful when Samantha returns handing me the glass. 

     We all sit in silence for a good five minutes, smiling at my friends I get up trying to avoid any questions about my panic attack I make my way to the bathroom to have a shower. As soon as y feet come into contact with the tiles floor after stepping out of the bathtub I felt my stomach contacts, falling to my knees lasts night supper comes spilling out of my mouth. If I was planning on eating I wasn't anymore. I can smell the bacon that one of the girls is cooking and I don't know if the shift in my stomach is from being hungry or from disgust. Buttoning up my chiffon button up I notice the extra skin by my arm pits is protruding a lot more than usual and I remember that before the move I hadn't gone to the gym for a month. Making a mental note to remember to go and sign up at a gym I plan on asking Sammy if she'll come and join me because the other two girls are completely against the concept of working out in any way shape or form. Settling on my everyday make up I take my time ensuring that there are no mistakes because even though my hands are shaking while I'm trying to draw a thin straight line across my eye lid I want to show Harry what he missed out on. I'm not a self absorbed person, yes I fixed how I looked and it took a lot of money and time I would much rather be with a book and a window seat rather than go to get a manicure or shopping. As I look at my own reflection I start to point out all of my flaws. The scar on my forehead from running into the top of the table when I was three,  how my teeth are starting to shift and aren't straight anymore. So many flaws that I have to look away or else I won't be able to leave the room.