Infatuated (girlxgirl)

The feeling

*trigger warning*

Sometimes being able to feel pain is better than feeling nothing at all. Its the feeling of knowing you're alive and still here despite you feel you aren't, but you are and its a sensational feeling.

You're still surviving, you're here. You're still surviving, you're here.

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Its all a cycle. Nothing changes, yet nothing stays the same. You can never figure out right from wrong, wrong from right. You're life is on repeat and so is your mind. Stuck in this bad habit, this rut you can't get yourself out off.

If you have a good day, that's great. Amazing even, but nothing can stop your cruel mind from wandering, from thinking about the unthinkable and wanting the worst, not best for yourself. From wanting to see the blood escape your body, flowing down you wrist, your arm until they're droplets on the clean floor.

You'll know they're forever stained but only YOU know. Always printed in your brain, photographed. Today has been, for me, pretty darn amazing. Then I get home and it all hits me again. Like a slap of cold air right to the face taking all the warmth from inside me too, away with it.

Think of Jo. Jo. Jo.

She's all you need, all you want, basically all you have but that's okay. You have each other and everything is going to be just fine. I keep saying this to myself. Out loud as you do, I wasn't about to be judged neither, none of my family was home.

My sister is at darts all night with Andy and Mum and Phoenix was sleeping over at Tracey's because I'm incapable of looking after him. It's true yes, I can't complain. I wouldn't want a suicidal baby sitter either. 

Then again, they didn't know I was so what was their reasoning?

I am still trying to concentrate on my breathing. Walking seemed like a good idea apart from its too dark out and I don't have a spare set of keys to let myself back inside, they don't trust me to have them either.

The garden was an option but I'd be too scared somehow the back door would lock in on itself and leave me out there all night. Plus it was raining. A cold shower perhaps? It works sometimes I get the same pain if it's freezing cold as I usually do from slicing my skin. I don't feel like tonight there was any way of escaping.

Things often seem this way to me, and I resort to the last thing I could think of and I didn't want to. I pick up my phone, unplug the charger, 67% could do me fine, and message Jo. Nothing of asking for help, distractions or anything. I spend the next twenty minutes trying to word and perfect a completely perfectly structured paragraph explains just how beautiful a girl she is and to never stop smiling.

I know she won't read it until she wakes up, I doubt at the time she would be awake anyway, I'm aware she sleeps more than an animal in hibernation. I haven't planned for a reply, I won't be needing one.

I rub my hands down across my face, a habit of mine and go into the bathroom, my feet cold against the wood floor. I go to turn on the cold tap to splash some ice water over my face when I notice my hands were shaking. I stare at them for a while as if it would make them stop.

They don't.

Breathe. In. Out.

I quickly throw the water over me, drenching my shirt too otherwise not caring and stood there, hands either side of the sink. It was too hot. It was getting too hot. The light was too yellow, nothing seemed right. I couldn't make out anything of value.

I snap the tap off, grabbing a towel and thoroughly dab everywhere on my face so I was dry again. Where was the heating? I need to turn it down, it was too hot, much too hot. I search the walls, tracing my fingers against each pale white wall until I reach the staircase.