Infatuated (girlxgirl)

Mistakes

*trigger warning*

I'd completely f*cked it. I was aware of that and I was full of regret. I was doing so so well and now I'm back to square one all over again.

I know I'd relapse at one point, I put it to the back of my mind in a dark place so out never came back. I didn't want to, I really want to get better but apparently its either impossible or I'm simply not able to.

And all this shit about me being strong is just lies and hoaxes. If I was strong I'd still be clean. If I were strong I would've thrown my blades away a long long time ago so there wouldn't even be a possibility of me being able to hurt myself.

Last night was mainly a blur. I remember the details that I don't want to, I remember going through the tiny compartment of my old school bag I keep well hidden underneath my bed. I know my mum wouldn't look in it and I also know she probably doesn't care anyway if she found it.

I'd say there were a dozen or so, all clattering against each other, not enough space for them all as my collection grew bigger. I remember thinking that I don't need this and it isn't worth it, I'd hurt the ones who loved me.

Then I remember thinking, what they don't know won't hurt them. As for Jo, I'd tell her. Eventually. When it was needed too be mentioned, we are focusing on her and getting her better not me. I was just having a tiny relapse, that's all.

I take the blades out, not all just a few and carry them in my hand to the bathroom. From then on the only memories that were completely unblemished and I could see are me taking the blade to my wrist and seeing the red fall against the white sink.

Somehow, although I don't have many recognition of it, I manage to end up back in bed, white bandages from the hamper in the bathroom on my wrists. It won't affect me or anybody else because nobody would see them, I just assume I put them on me to stop my cuts catching.

I also know that without looking I went deeper than usual, the bandages for one were practically seeping red, and when I move my wrists or lower arm I can feel the pain rush through my body.

All I want is to be okay, I don't ask for this. I don't ask for any of this. Why can't I be happy like everybody else? Why can't I be normal?

Because that boats already sailed, I lost the ability to be like everyone years ago. I can't be normal anymore. I can't be okay. I never will be.

I can't help myself, I need to message Jo. She would be up, it was around 7:30 and I knew she must be getting ready for school. "Hey, are you awake yet?" I text, I rub my left hand over the back of my neck, something I always do when I'm sad or stressed. Old habits die hard.

I sit on the edge of my bed legs dangling over the side, touching the ground with my phone next to me, my elbows are rested on my knees my head in my hands and I'm being very careful not to catch myself.

I don't move from there until my message tone went off signalising Jo's text me back. It was different, this time round. It wasn't because I want to be with her that I try to make up conversation first its because I need her, but she don't know that.

"Yus, I'm up. Getting ready wbu?" She writes. A small smile makes its way onto my faced because no matter how I'm feeling or what's going on in my head, she always manages to make me feel something. I don't feel numb when I have her.

I contemplate on admitting last night to her, although how could I if I don't know it all myself? I decide against it and text normally for a while, back and fourth until it was time for me to leave where I'd see her anyway.

My walk to school is quiet; too quite. I put my headphones in and plug them into my phone, putting on James Bay to calm myself.

It was soothing. Cars passing, their engines going unheard due to how loud my music was. The world was continuing but everything was so still and motionless. And that's how I felt.