Infatuated (girlxgirl)

hug grab kiss

*trigger warning*

So for a person to go from having an absolute crush on a girl for well over six months yet hasn't said anything because that girl has had boyfriends since them and isn't straight, for that person to then kiss the girl and be asked if she wanted to kiss again, well. Life doesn't get better than that now does it?

And here I am, sitting at the dinner table with my sister Paige, unable to keep the huge smile off my face. I just wanted to spill the beans, tell her what happened and how I kissed Jo but obviously I don't think I should. She's knows and accepts my gayness but I haven't told her in the exact words that I have feelings for Jo, although the only girl I go on about is her so maybe she's guessed but still.

I'm pushing my food around on my plate, not very hungry due to my overexcited self and the tiny fact looking at food currently made me want to throw up, but I'm in such a better mood that and that thought whooshes over my head like a passing cloud. The only thing I can think about is how's she asked to kiss me again.

I would never have the balls to ask that, but maybe that's because I'm dying? Too many feelings, she will kill me. This then puts a thought into my head, what if she doesn't like me and its another girl but she wants to just get off with a girl until she has the balls to ask her out?

But Jo isn't like that, and she wouldn't use me like that. She knows what it feels like to be used and I like to think that she wouldn't wish it upon nor to it to anybody.

I start to fidget, not sure of what to do or what to say. Me and Paige almost always talk at the table we gossip about anything and everything, honestly. "Why you so happy for?" She asks, picking her glass of water up to her lips and taking a long gulp. I furrow my eyebrows, unsure of what to say.

"Huh? I'm not, why'd you say that?" I reply, cutting my food on my plate that I still refuse to shovel in my mouth. She looks at me as if I'm stupid and continues, "You're sat there smiling to yourself, you have been since you've sat down. Not to mention you haven't said anything about your day or even tried to make conversation."

"Sorry. Um..." I drift off. I want to tell her, but I don't at the same time for the fear of she might tell my mum and then I'll ever be able to hang with Jo again and I really will not have that.

"Um?" She repeats, eating. "Okay, I swear if you tell anybody I'm telling everybody you had sex with a squirrel. I kissed Jo," it slips out before I even have a second chance to consider what I'm doing. Her mouth stops chewing and she looks straight at me. "Really?" She asks incredulously. I nod.

She laughs and holds her hand out for a high five. "No way, get in!" I roll my eyes, but inside I'm happy she's taken it nicely. I hold my hand out too and we high five like little kids. As we do, Phoenix who was sat on his little bump up seat on the chair to my left flicks some food off his spoon across the table. Shock is on his face like he's seen a ghost and he looks between me and Paige like we just saw him murder somebody.

"Sorry..." He giggles. Me and Paige laugh and now it seems as if she's as happy as me too.

----

I don't want to ruin the day I've had but I can't help it. I just can't. I want it to be a perfect day even though I don't believe in them anymore but today so far has been yet I'm fully aware I've already f*cked up slightly. And when something has been slightly f*cked you might as well make it fully.

I don't remember what exactly drew me towards reaching under my bed for my blades but at some point without realising I had, not wanting too. Today was my day. It has been my day. What am I doing?