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they don't speak.

there are just simple gestures and phil occasionally asking if dan is okay as dan constantly bobs his legs up and down, anxious to meet phil's family. his teeth sink into his bottom lip harshly and his hands are clammy as he wipes them on the top of his sweatpants. he really wishes he wore something nicer.

nothing is normal in phil's small car even though both of them are constantly pretending that it is.

phil's hand does not rest on dan's leg like it usually does and he does not lean over every once in a while to leave a wet kiss against the younger boy's cheek.

dan does not glance over at phil every two seconds, admiring his face pulled in concentration and he does not lace his fingers with phil's or push his hair away from his bright blue eyes.

they both just sit.

phil quietly driving, taking a look at dan once in a while and allowing his heart to break everytime he sees dan frantically running his hands through his hair or emitting loud sighs. he knows that dan is anxious, he does not have to be a scientist for that.

he saw the way dan's hands kept shaking when they stopped at a small restaurant, and the way he kept playing with his food, barely eating it. he noticed the way sweat beaded on his forehead constantly and his cheeks were flushed and he hated that he couldn't do anything about it. hated that he couldn't lean over and kiss him and hated that he couldn't squeeze his hand and mumble reassuring words. he hated that all he could do was sit and watch.

and dan sits quietly as well. staring out of the window, his body pressed against the car door and forehead resting against the cold glass. he hates that all he can hear between them is the hot air blasting through the heater and the low grumble of the engine. he hates that phil hasn't even tried to talk to him apart from the simple formality of asking whether he was okay. he knew he would probably deny any sort of conversation with phil after what happened but it hurt him that phil wasn't even trying. was he supposed to act completely normal in front of phil's family, like nothing happened between them? do phil's parents even know about dan? will phil tell them?

probably not.

seeing the way he was so adamant on leaving him, dan does not think that phil will be telling his parents. maybe if everything was slightly normal between them, dan wouldn't mind that much and he would probably think that phil needs time to tell them. but after knowing the fact that phil was just going to casually discard their relationship, it made him insecure.

it made him want to question everything phil has done, is doing or will be doing. his trust on phil was somewhere lost, like he couldn't depend on him anymore. like all the while, all that they have been through was just a lie, a phase that they went through where phil actually maybe loved dan as much as dan loved him.

but it was just hard to accept the fact now.

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well when you go, don't ever think i'll make you try to stay