the colour drains from phil's face at the question and he attempts to separate himself from dan but the younger boy just holds him closer, shaking his head.
"no, please don't," he mumbled softly and phil just looked up at dan in confusion, not understanding the meaning behind his request.
"i-if you get up right now everything is going to be awkward again, and i-i don't want that phil, i really don't. if you don't want to answer it can wait but please don't—"
"dan, sh, it's okay, i'm not—we're fine," phil interrupted the younger boy, and sighed, shifting closer to dan and wrapping his arms comfortingly around dan's torso.
"but nothing's fine phil," dan mumbled quietly, his teeth digging in his bottom lip harshly. "we have so much to talk about and we're just, we're just-"
"pretending," phil interrupted with a deep sigh and dan wanted to protest but phil was so right. they were just pretending.
"yeah," dan nodded reluctantly. "just pretending,"
"i'm sorry things are this way," phil murmured quietly as dan twisted his fingers gently in phil's hair, massaging the older boy's scalp as phil breathed deeply in dan's neck, thinking of ways to make it right.
they had to talk it out.
"where were you?" dan's voice was soft, slightly accusing, slightly confused as he waited for phil to answer.
"when?"
"those eight days, where did you go?" dan asked, chewing his bottom lip nervously as phil looked away from him, his eyes focusing on anything in the room but dan.
"i-i told you, i just drove around," phil lied again, and dan just let out a deep breath before speaking.
"you have to tell me phil, i-i deserve answers," dan muttered, his tone was a little hostile which made phil's stomach twist into a giant knot.
"i know you do," was all phil could say, his grip loosening on dan's waist as he ran a hand through his hair, trying to frame a plausible answer.
"were you cheating on me?" dan asked, a familiar lump settling in his throat and his breathing turned heavier when phil separated himself from the younger boy, looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face.
"dan, baby, i, i would never, why would you think that?" phil sounded hurt, as he looked at dan with absolute dismay, blue eyes partially watering.
"i don't know i can't-i can't come up with any other possible reason why you wou—"
"your parents," phil finally sighed, biting his lip and looking down into his lap. he discovered he may as well tell dan, end the constant doubt in his twisted mind. he did not want dan to constantly question his trust and faithfulness, he did not want dan to think that phil could ever look at another person, the way he looked at dan.
"what?"
"y-your parents, i, when i left i went to my apartment and your parents were there w-with the police," phil explained, not wanting to go into the details of when dan's father punched him or how his mother screamed at him. he did not tell dan what he went through in the small isolated room, with white walls and a temperature so torturously low that it felt like he was in hell. he did not tell him how his thoughts were eating him alive, how he constantly felt like screaming out loud and how going to jail was the major reason why his mind went haywire.
and even though phil did not tell him any of that, dan still crawled over to phil, climbing hesitantly in his lap and wrapping his arms tightly around the older boy's neck. he still buried his face in phil's shoulder, constantly apologising, tears streaming down his face in a hot waterfall, dampening phil's shirt. his fingers still gripped phil's body desperately and small whimpers still left his mouth, his chest hurting at the thought of phil inside a small jail cubicle.
"dan, it's okay," phil rubbed his back comfortingly, but just shook his head stiffly.
"my parents are such assholes," his voice sounded strained and broken, causing phil to tighten his hold on dan's waist and pull him closer.
twenty minutes later, they were still in the same position. dan's legs wrapped tightly around phil's waist and his face buried in phil's neck as he tried to regulate his breathing. phil had told him everything he was thinking while he made the decision of leaving dan and dan felt stupid, stupidly selfish.
phil had told him how his brain had stopped working, how rationality had disappeared from his mind. he told him how he couldn't stop doubting himself, their relationship, everything they've been through and will be going through. he told him how it was getting physically and mentally exhausting because he could not see dan hurting constantly, could not see thins slipping more and more from his fingers day by day.
he told him how leaving dan, seemed the only option then.
"i didn't know if, if i could keep you safe and there were so many problems between us and i constantly kept hurting you, i just, i couldn't see the point in taking our relationship any further," phil mumbled, causing dan to shift closer to him and shake his head helplessly, not knowing what to say.
"y-you could find someone so much better, someone who could make you happy and someone who your parents can accept," phil paused, a giant lump growing in his throat. "if i hadn't been there in your life maybe you wouldn't have been confused about your sexuality, m-maybe you could be w-with someone who did not bring so many problems, someone who did not have issues," he wiped the moisture out of his eyes from the back of his sleeve and bit his lip to stop himself from breaking down completely in front of dan. he just closed his eyes tightly, wishing for the tears to disappear but they refused, falling down phil's cheeks, leaving wet trails behind.
"no," dan spoke softly in phil's neck, his thoughts jumbled and tongue almost paralysed. he was overwhelmed with all phil had told him, his emotions causing a tidal wave to splash in his head, wrecking all his thoughts.
"no, if you weren't there, i-i would still be the sexually ambiguous and sad guy. you changed everything, and only for the better. i have never regretted a single moment that i've spent with you phil, and even though half of them were just pointless fights, i still love you. i love you and your issues and your problems, i love everything about you and although sometimes you make my head hurt," he paused. "you make me madly, insanely happy too, and nothing can change that," dan was a little breathless after his confession and phil just nodded softly against dan's skin, pulling the younger boy closer.
"i love you," the brunette boy repeated, feeling the paranoia and anxiety leave his stomach.
through the heavy breathing and the unstoppable tears he could finally breathe, finally feel everything going right and when phil pulled away from him, and grabbed his cheeks gently in his hands, without any second thoughts or guilt, he could finally kiss phil too.
-- me after i wrote this chapter:
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