The Depression Book

Part 1

Elena P.O.V

Hello my name is Elena.God I feel like one of those people who introduces themselves .I hate introductions.I hate a lot of things,that's just one of them.I should probably tell you my age ,where I go to school,who my friends are,my favourite subjects and hobbies and all that breaking the ice crap.But I won't.But I will tell you this: I'm old enough.I go to a shithole of a school.My "friends"are not really the definition of the word"friends" at all.I'm not good at any goddamn subjects .I can't socialise.I just can't do anything at all

All I do properly is write in this leather notebook.I write down my feelings,my daily events etc.I know it sounds cliché and soppy but its the only thing that keeps me from killing myself.Its like a sort of therapy in one perspective.Cheap therapy for three euros and ninety nine cents that is,seeing as my family don't have a clue of the burning hell I go through in my mind.They are all very busy ,successful people,who don't have time for me unless I book an official appointment at their offices.I,on the other hand struggle and 99.9% of the time I fail.In other words ,I'm the black sheep of the family,the oddball.

My "friends" are not really my friends either.They are just people I sit with at lunch and people I follow around the halls.I never really speak with them or anyone for that matter.But when the final bell of the typical school day sounds and we all rush out of the doors,they pretend they don't even know me and make afterschool plans of their own without me,and we go our separate ways,usually me going alone in one direction and the all others in a gang walking in the opposite direction.Its not like I care anyway.Thats a lie .Of course I care.Of course I despair that I have no real friends.Of course I cry because I'm not good enough to be a friend to someone or even be acknowledged by my family.

But the things I do to myself to try better myself and for people to like me is just so sickening,my stomach turns every time after I've done it.I know its wrong.I know its hazardous to my health.But the truth is I don't care.I don't care about the final result or how I end up.Its like a drug.I can't stop it.Even if I try,its no use ,I don't have the willpower to stop completely.But here's the thing,if I don't stop soon,something will happen.And if I survive somehow from that,then they will discover my darkest secrets and bring me to a horrible,terrible place.And I don't want to go there.I would prefer to stay in my misery in silence than get fake sympathy and mocking pity for something they will never understand properly.