Depressing Shit

July 30, 2016

It's so hard to describe yourself positively when you can only see the negative.

It's so hard to love yourself when you can see nothing but flaws and quirks no one else even likes.

It's so hard to see yourself in a good way when even the things you used to love about yourself are starting to become mistakes.

It's so hard to live positively when you can't find a single positive thing.

It's hard to hear all the things people love about you because you don't love yourself.

It's hard to hear people call you beautiful and smart and funny and entertaining and loveable when all you feel is the exact opposite.

Being told you're gorgeous is always awkward.

You never know how to respond so you just kind of stand there with a smile pulling tight at your face because maybe this way they'll drop it. Maybe this way they'll see I'm uncomfortable. Maybe this way they'll change the subject.

The hardest part is hearing how loved you are.

Listening to people blatantly tell you they love you and you can see how they genuinely mean it.

Knowing those people would gladly give their life for you, or let you take it if it meant you were happy.

That's especially terrifying; when all they want is for you to be happy.

You don't exactly know what happy is and you definitely don't know the last time you felt it genuinely.

Life is hard.

You spend so much time worrying about how people see you and what people think about you and how you're acting around people.

All these things circle your brain twenty four seven and all you want is to shit it off.

Watching how you act gets exhausting. Being careful how you step gets meticulous. Catching your words gets annoying. Thinking over every word before you say it gets repetitive.

Life is hard when you don't love yourself.

Everyone else wants you to, but they can't teach you how.