Depressing Shit

July 16, 2017

It's getting bad again.

So, so bad. It's getting so bad and I can feel it. It's almost like I'm sitting in a fish tank, watching the water fill and doing nothing. I'm not even scared, I'm just letting the water fill. I'm standing on a small box, and if I move at all, I fall off the box and drown. It's at my throat and I'm barely keeping it from going over my head anymore. The drowning is so slow, I could almost ignore it.

I've stopped doing a lot of the stuff I love.

I don't sing as often as I did two months ago. I'm hardly writing and I have a story everyone is waiting on an update for. I haven't really been hanging out with my few friends, because hell why would they want to hang out with me anyway?? Their other friends are probably so much more fun to be around. I lock myself in my bedroom for hours at a time because I don't know when I'll be alone in the house and when I won't be. I'm in a rut of "school Monday to Friday with church on Wednesday. Work on Saturday. Go in any time you're called. Church on Sunday. Don't reach out to friends; they'll be annoyed by you".

I'm just going. I'm sick of just going. I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I don't want to get frustrated at the smallest thing. I don't want to struggle for motivation. I want to smile because I'm simply happy. I want to be honest when I say I'm "doing great". I want to be able to eat more than once a day without feeling like shit.

I want so many things, but I'm too close to drowning. I'm too close to falling off that box, or the box crumpling under me entirely. I can't move, but I just want to go.

I'm so scared to start swimming.

Why am I so scared to start swimming?