Depressing Shit

February 13, 2017

I really miss you, Regina.

And the sad thing is that I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. Although I messed up, I apologized. I attempted to make it right. You told me you forgave me. You lied. I could tell by the way you spoke to me after you said "I forgive you".

The worst thing is the fact that I consider you family. I consider your mom family. Hell, I consider Louis family and I barely know him.

And I miss you.

I can't say I'm sorry enough. I won't ever stop being sorry. But I don't think you'll ever see my apologies as genuine. I don't know if that's a communication issue or you refusing to accept that I know what I did and in remorseful.

Even though I'm sorry and I miss you, I have to let you go. The fact that I've cried myself to sleep or woken up in the middle of the night from a panic attack every night for two weeks is ridiculous. The saddest part is that you probably aren't losing a blink of sleep.

I know you're talking shit about me. I know you're telling people this is all my fault. I know you're allowing people at your school who don't even know me tell you I'm not worth it. I just know. I know because that's how you are. You talk and vent when you're angry and upset. I'm not mad about you talking, Regina. I'm mad that I can feel how you're talking bad about me to get those people to convince you never to talk to me again.

I'll miss you, but I will respect you if you never do speak to me again.

I'm just done with this. I really do love you Regina, but I can't handle being left like this every time we have a big fight. I know it was our first big fight, but you still pushed me away afterward.

I can't do this again. I deal with too many insecurities and issues with people leaving. I can't handle it. If you want to be my friend again, that's great. I won't be upset. I just can't let you get that close ever again.

I can't handle it and I'm not going to subject myself to that risk. I'm not going to let you back in if you're going to leave again. Hell, it's been two weeks and you've already cut me out of your life twice!

I can't do this. I miss you, but I can't.

So go and tell your people how much I'm hurting you. Tell your mom I wasn't the person you thought I was. Tell everyone that I did you wrong. Go and do what you need to. I'm not putting myself through that again.

I have had three people that called me family leave me in a year. I'm not letting you back in when there's a possibility it'll happen again.