Depressing Shit

October 2, 2017

You know, I can feel it.

I can feel the sadness. I can feel the lethargy. I'm sleeping more, smiling less, and getting lazier. I can't bring myself to do anything. I'm lashing out more.

I'm trying so hard, but I'm barely keeping my nose above the on coming flood waters.

I feel it in my chest. The emptiness. The loneliness. Realizing I don't really have that many friends. Realizing the only person I really talk to lives four hours or so away from me. Realizing my family and the people I call my friends probably don't care.

I spend a lot of time fighting back tears now. It'll hit me really suddenly and I don't know why.

I'm forcing my laughter. My smiles are fake.

I can feel myself emotionally curling up, doing my best to protect myself. I don't know why. I don't know what caused this.

I'm crumpling like a car in slow motion. I know it's happening. Everything else knows it's happening. It won't stop. I can't get it to stop.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to say it.

I don't know how I tell everyone I don't want to be here anymore. Again.

I don't know how to tell everyone when they don't care about me anyway.

I just don't know.

I can feel the drowning; I've locked myself into a slow-flooding house. I know where the exit is, but I can't bring myself to go to it.

I'm just sick of being alone. Sick of being the forgotten one.

The one everyone remembers as an afterthought. The "oh we forgot to invite you" of the group. The one who is never actually invited. Everyone just talks about their plans around me. The one who watches everyone else have fun and spend time with people when I have to watch from the window. The one no one actually wants around. The one who gets small talk and a quick hello with no real conversation.

I'm sick of just being tolerated.

But, hey, at least they know my name, right?