Here are my thoughts.
My silent thoughts.
The thoughts that cloud my mind every evening and never quite make it past my lips, though I yearn to share them.
My loneliest thoughts.
I am not afraid that I will never be loved. I am loved too furiously by too many people. It is only a matter of time before one of these loves is romantic.
And yet, I am tired of not being loved. I am afraid that I will not be loved soon enough.
My heart is lonely, though my arms are full of friends. Their hearts are full of others, and no one has a heart devoted to me.
I was not made to live alone. And so I am afraid that a day will come, before I find love, that I will have to. On that day I will be empty.
I try so hard not to be. I put all my effort into prayers for peace and plans with those who love me as I am, but as soon as I am alone at night, I break again.
I break because I am not loved the way I want to be. I break because I do not know when I will be loved romantically. I break because my heart has broken for others, but no one has broken their heart on me.
And though I love them, those friends of mine, I find I cannot abide their relationships. Maybe simply because I do not have my own. Regardless of the reason, I find myself getting jealous. Getting conceited. And I hate myself for it.
I know love will come to me when it pleases. I know it will not mock me forever.
But these are my thoughts.
My silent, lonely, midnight thoughts.
