EIGHTEEN (H.S)

13- Big deal

The next couple of weeks were absolute shit.

And I thought last year summer was the worst... ever?

How wrong I was. What I was experiencing right now was thousand times the pain I felt back then.

Saying I had a lot to deal with was a euphemism.

Knowing that I wouldn't be able to work, I asked my boss for a few sick leave days, two at first, ending in a whole week. I pretended to scratch my throat and cough while on the phone with him, to make it look real that I got some terrible and resistant flue.

There was no way I could work with all I had in my mind right now. I wouldn't avoid reality forever either, but those days off wouldn't hurt anyone, and it would help me to process, at least a bit.

I needed time, to be sad. To be in the doldrums, without eating, without taking a shower, nor seeing the sunlight. I remained in my bedroom the whole week, and that's all I wanted.

During those days, I kept crying all the freaking time, laying in my bed as much as I could. My favorite position was to be all curled up in a fetal position, my knees against my chest. Surprisingly, it helped to ease the pain. It had to escaped, even if in a painful way.

Nothing could stop the tears from falling from my eyes, though, they were literally flooding my cheekbones, soaking my pillow case. Until my eyes became dry, nothing could come out after a while.

I had so much pain in me. My heart felt heavier than ever.

At a point I was worried that the state of depression I was in again wouldn't stop.

It had sort of shocked to me, the way I felt, and how hurt I was.

I'd worked on moving on during the whole past year. I sank low back then, and I thought that I was okay, now.

Maybe it was easier because he was far away. I didn't see him much after all the drama. And, because I had Zayn, then Ben.

Now Ben and Zayn were gone, and so did Harry.

I was mad at myself for not preventing a relapse.

What did I think? That Harry would be always there to catch my falling sky? That someday, he would finally say to me what I'd always wanted him to say?

Maybe I just thought that somehow we would be able to work things out, and be back together, for good.

Overthinking everything, I knew now that I'd never been over Harry. I just pushed the feelings aside. To me he was my first true love, not the love of my live. I'd never even realized how deep the feelings were, until I lost him, forever.

The pain feeling lingering, I knew that it would take time to go away.

So after a long week of leaving in my bedroom, I finally got up from my bed.

The first thing I did was to check on my phone. It kept ringing for days, until the battery died, I didn't even dare to recharge it. I needed to be alone, I couldn't talk to anyone. All I wanted was space.

When I turned on my phone, it kept beeping like crazy. Immediately, I felt bad for the people who tried to reach me, I knew that I surely worried some of my friends by disappearing like that.

I got a lot of texts and voicemails, mostly from Hannah and the guys. It took me some time to read it all and listen to them. Truthfully, they cheered me up, because it made me realize that I had so many people in my life who loved me. I wasn't very successful when it came to love, but I was definitely blessed by my friends.