A Beautiful Mess

PART 49: Letting Her Slip Away

Part XLIX: Letting Her Slip Away

He came in thirty minutes later.

Raffy was already seated at their favorite corner with her drink. He took a seat beside her.

"Hi Love," she greeted him with a kiss on his cheeks.

"Hi," he said. He was quiet.

"I already ordered your drink and pastry but I told them to serve it once you're here," she told him.

"Thanks."

"How's your day so far?" she asked.

"So far, it's okay."

"Anything different that happened?"

"None."

"How's Seff?" she asked him.

"He's okay."

"Selena?"

"Still a dog," he timidly answered.

"Are you okay? You're answering me with one-liners," she noticed.

"Yes. I'm fine," he lied.

"We're happy yesterday before we separated ways, Love. What came up to change your mood abruptly?"

He did not speak. He was dreading this time that he had to do this. He was around for the past minutes but just didn't have enough courage to come in and see her.

"You can tell me. I'll listen," she comforted him and hugged his arm. She leaned close to him.

"I have to punish you now for saying my name yesterday," he said.

*

(His thoughts)

"I have to punish you now for saying my name yesterday."

She laughed. "Okay. I'm ready for it. What's my punishment?"

I took a deep breath. "Leave me."

She paused and slowly detached herself from me. I wanted to stop her and hold her close but I stopped myself rather.

"That's not a nice thing to say. It's not funny."

"I'm not trying to make you laugh. You have to leave me. We have to separate ways now. I'm giving you the chance to be the one to walk out of this first."

"What the hell are you saying?!" Anger was evident on her voice while trying hard not to be heard by others.

"You've sacrificed too much for me. It's not fair on your side," I said.

"Is it still about what Em did? I already talked to Paul about this and - "

"I'm sorry, Raffy. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to drag nor involve your family, any of them, into this mess," I cut her off midsentence.

"I know! But what she's doing to us is to go beyond emotions. She's trying to hurt our career and our families as part of this little revenge she has in mind. I don't want to let it happen. We should not let it happen. She wants to go technical? We'll go technical. I will have Paul revisit my scholarship terms. If I lose my scholarship, I can pay for it. Money's not an issue," she tried to point it out to me.

I wanted to embrace her and tell her what I heard.

"That's nonsense Raffy. I wouldn't let you lose that scholarship."

"Well, I don't want to lose you Ethan. You are more important that that."

"I don't want to either. Believe me. You know that I love you and I know you know how much you mean to me," I tried explaining to her. "But you can't afford to lose the scholarship."

"Why, Ethan?! I don't get it," she said, sounding impatient while wanting me to realize that I am wrong.

"How do you think will it make me feel to see you lose your scholarship, drag your name into such reputation, have Paul get involved just because another woman can't get over me? How do you think will I feel to see you being affected when you're not supposed to?"

She didn't say anything. I know her burdens.

"When they summoned you for that questioning, do you have an idea how bad I felt that time? How much guilt I felt?"

"Why are you letting go of me?" she asked me, crying.

I didn't know what to say. I felt helpless as she was.

"Tell me. It's that easy for you to let me go like this? God, I wasn't even questioned yet!"

"I don't want you to be hurt in any way Raffy. But I can't stand it when people say something about you that's not true. I realized you don't deserve this."

"So you're giving up instead of fighting for us. You're okay even if you lose me," she said, wiping her own tears. "You'll still have her anyway."

"No. Please. Don't think of it that way," I pleaded. "It's not about me having someone because if it has to be someone, I want it to be you. But all of this? I have you but you'll lose what you worked hard for? It's not fair."

"And you think leaving me would make it fair? You're crushing me, Ethan."

"I'd rather hurt you this way than have me see you dragged into accusations."

"Ethan, whichever way you go, you're hurting me. Whatever choice you have, someone's always got something to say. If you choose to be with me, Emily, her friends, and all those not important to us, will have something to say. Why would we care about them? If you choose her, my family, our friends, your family will have something to say. Aren't they important to us?"

"Exactly. Let them hurt and affect me, not you," I told her. I'm hurting too.

"Ethan..." she cried. I pulled her into a tight embrace. I am silently cursing myself for doing this to her.

"I'm sorry I have to do this," I whispered to her. "Raf, I'm doing this because I love you. I love you Raffy. I love you, I love you, I love you. I don't want you hurt that's why I am doing this. And babe, I promise you this is temporary. I'll be back. I will be with you. I just need some time away from you so I can slowly prepare her in letting me go. I need to give her time for her to heal her wounds. I know I've hurt Emily too. I will be with you. I would make our start right for us and in their eyes."

She continued sobbing on my chest.

"I know I am not dealing with the situation well but I need you to trust me that I will be with you at the end of this."

"You told me you wouldn't let me go. Where is it now?"

"I'm not letting you go. I'm asking you to let me go. Please... It's not easy for me. It pains me as much as it kills you. But I promise you that it will be all worth it in the end," I said and wiped her tears. "Please take care of yourself. I'll be around watching over you."

"Ethan, don't do this. I can't do this," she begged me.

"I have to," I said and held her face between my hands. "I love you. Just you. Remember that."

I kissed her forehead and stood up to leave.

"Ethan..." she called me. I stopped walking with my back turned on her.

"The moment you step out of this coffee shop, forget that we have known each other," she warned me, with that glint of hope that I would turn around and choose her.

But I didn't.