Scarred

Chapter 22

After her mother had passed, Jenna had both looked forward to and dreaded Christmas. She had known it would be different without her, but it was still Christmas. There would still be the lights and snow, and Santa would still come.

Jenna had wandered to their tree Christmas morning, excited with the anticipation of more presents. She froze. Her eyes traveled the room, wishing they were lying to her, but, no, the cookies hadn't been eaten and there weren't any gifts from the one hope she had been holding onto.

It was the year Santa forgot to come.

She ran to her father's room with tears spilling down her cheeks. "Santa forgot me, Daddy."

When he told her the truth, she yanked herself away from him and slammed the door to her room. She hated Christmas and would always hate it, and her dad and her sister couldn't change that.

Now, her hatred had burned out, yet it still didn't feel like Christmas. When she told her dad, he blamed it on the mysterious lack of snow, but it was more than that. She didn't care. She acted her part: waking up Charlotte, tearing open her presents, even baking cookies with her sister, but the excitement she used to feel was gone. It had been sucked out of her. There was a deep nothingness that had buried itself in her chest.

The lack of emotion worried her. A part of her fought the fog threatening to take over, but the rest of her had succumbed and was too stubborn to wake up.

The voice told her not to think about it. It told her to focus on losing weight and nothing else.

It was easier said than done.

While she was in school, she didn't have many opportunities to eat. At home with nothing to do, all she wanted to do was snack. The temptation was difficult to resist when her stomach felt like it was eating itself.

The break did come with perks however. Her sister was continuously busy, whether working on homework or going out with friends, so she never noticed that Jenna didn't eat during the day. To keep her dad oblivious, she only ever ate at supper. The system worked, but the voice wasn't satisfied.

Jenna lay on her bed, ignoring the stomach pains, the headaches, the insistent voice. She wanted to take a nap. The voice wouldn't let her.

It weaseled its way to her forethoughts. You haven't done your exercises yet today.

A knock on her door saved her.

"Yes?"

Charlotte shut the door behind her. "Did I wake you up?"

"No." Jenna pushed herself up. "What did you want?"

"Since your birthday's in a couple weeks, I was wondering if you wanted to start planning your party?"

Right. Her twelfth birthday. Another thing she was abnormally lacking anticipation for.

Jenna feigned what she was missing. "Yes!"

Charlotte smiled. "Let's get started."

By the time they had finished, her fake eagerness had become her own. It was another shot at having friends, after all. It was hard not to care.

****

Jenna opened her eyes. Her heart thudded in her chest and her pajamas were drenched in sweat. In the nightmare, she was all alone at her birthday party, sobbing. No one had come. They had refused because she wasn't skinny.

She wrote down what she could remember in her diary. When she lay back down, sleep wouldn't come. She threw the covers off and crept out of her room.

She walked laps around the house. The hunger pains sharpened whenever she passed the kitchen, but the voice warned her not to cave. It had become meaner over break. She cringed when she heard it, bu she could not resist. It made her believe she was never skinny enough. It told her to do more. It pushed her to eat less.

Her head throbbed. It had worsened lately but in a satisfying way.

Jenna weighed herself. She was seventy pounds. She had lost thirty-two since she started her diet, but it wasn't enough. She studied herself in the mirror and was disappointed to see nothing had changed. She was still fat.

She had to lose more.

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