Scarred

Chapter 23

Jenna handed out invitations on the Monday they came back to school. Madi eyed hers with repulse, which caused the other girls to do the same. Emily was the only one to look genuinely excited . . . until Madi glared at her. She crumpled her invitation in her fist and stared at her lap.

Madi murmured something in Ellie's ear. Ellie passed on Madi's words to her neighbor, and the chain continued until everyone but Jenna had received the message.

To make herself seem thinner, Jenna sat on the edge of her seat. She'd been wearing oversized sweatshirts to hide her body and keep herself warm lately, but she hoped they'd be able to see how much weight she'd lost.

Jenna snapped to attention when she heard a wrapper and scolded herself when she saw Mrs. Allen unwrap a piece of gum. The voice rebuked her for being so weak, but her hunger pains begged her to succumb and eat a full meal.

As the class filed out of the room on their way to recess, Jenna watched her peers throw away their invitations. She shrugged it off. They probably memorized all the details, she tried to convince herself. The voice told her it was because of her appearance, that it would punish her for her inexcusable weight later.

Suddenly, the ground was stolen from her feet and the world turned around her. She scraped her hands on the concrete when she landed. Like a startled deer, she searched for the predator. Shawn met her gaze with his foot sticking out where it had tripped her. His friends laughed around him, and he smiled. 

Jenna wiped her tears and ran away.

****

Charlotte went on Chatter that night. It was ridiculous of her to log on, but she couldn't resist it anymore. She had to see what they were writing.

All of it was hate. The first message called her a slut, but it turned out to be the best of them. The others said everyone hated her or that she was a coward not to kill herself, especially after what she'd done to Raelynn.

Charlotte read them all; she couldn't stop herself. She knew what they all would say, yet she was reluctant to log off. When she had read the last message, she resorted to scrubbing at her drawing in the kitchen.

No one cares about you, the voice in her head whispered. 

She rubbed at the board even harder. No, she thought, a lot of people care about me. I care about me. I'm going to get better. 

I'm going to get better, she repeated. "I'm going to get better."

****

Jenna didn't want to move. Her limbs felt like lead. She was exhausted but the voice wouldn't let her sleep. Not when there was weight to lose. She was dizzy and tired and her head wouldn't stop throbbing. The pounding was so bad that she wouldn't have needed to check her pulse from her wrist, not when she could count the heartbeats in her temples.

To distract herself, she recorded the calories she'd eaten that day in her journal.

Monday

Lunch- Apple- 100

Supper- Six bites of lasagna- ?

Snack- Fifteen grapes- 50

Jenna peeked her head into the hallway. It was silent. She tiptoed to the back door and carefully slipped outside. The air was crisp and she could see her breath in front of her. She went back inside to grab a jacket.

She jogged around their tiny backyard. The voice urged to keep going, faster and faster. She had to work off the calories she'd eaten. The pain in her head was a continual ache, but the voice forced her to continue through it.

When the voice relented, she entered the house again and weighed herself. It wasn't good enough. She checked her stomach in the mirror and didn't see any improvement.

The hunger had been fading. The thought of food now made her want to puke. She usually forced herself to eat more at supper with her family, but that night she excused herself, saying she wasn't hungry.

She relaxed on her bed and wrote in her diary.

I want to be skinny so bad. The hunger has been fading but it used to hurt all the time. It had seemed like there was always food around me. One time I was watching TV when a commercial for a pizza place came on. I wanted to eat so bad, but I turned it off as fast as I could and ran a set of stairs while Charlotte was out. I'm not hungry now though. In fact, food makes me sick. But it's getting harder to focus in school and I keep getting angry for no reason, Mom. It can't be because of my diet, can it?

I should just kill myself to make everyone's lives easier. No one would notice that I was gone. I don't deserve to do it though. There are people who are actually being bullied. I don't deserve to feel bad for myself.

She bit her arm and banged her fists against her head. She deserved the pain. The pain was her punishment for her actions and thoughts. It was her fault everyone she trusted had turned against her.

She leaned her head on the wall. The movement had zapped what little energy she had.

Jenna grappled for her blankets and wrapped herself in them. There was hardly a moment anymore when she wasn't cold. She yawned and drifted off to sleep there on the floor.

****

The next day at lunch Emily sat by Jenna. She was pleasantly surprised.

"Hey, Emily."

"Hi," Emily replied hesitantly as she seated herself.

Jenna spent lunch not eating and ignoring the aroma of the food. She busied herself by trying to converse with Emily, who only offered ambiguous responses. However, once Emily was finished eating, she whispered, "No one will go to your birthday party because no one likes you. Not even Shawn."

Her voice was tiny, but it rang through Jenna's pounding head. She stared in shock and confusion at the girl whom she had considered a friend. "What do you mean?"

"I'm only telling you the truth, Jenna," Emily muttered. She abandoned her for the other girls. They surrounded her with a wall of susurration and hidden smiles.

Jenna fought back tears. She's lying. She's lying.

While she jogged around the playground, she imagined talking to Shawn again. He hadn't looked her way since he'd tripped her, much less talked to her. She missed him, and it hurt her heart.

But at least the daydreaming helped her ignore the pain.

****

Despite Charlotte's best efforts, Raelynn would run into her in the halls and whisper obscene things to her as she passed. Sometimes Raelynn didn't bother hiding the torment; she'd push her books down for everyone to see, making the kids laugh and torment her further.

Charlotte's friends didn't say anything when she sat down by them again. It was as if things had never changed. It was nice in a way, but at the same time it infuriated her. They had given her the silent treatment for weeks and now everything was fine and dandy between them? 

She seethed throughout lunch and didn't partake in their conversation. She vowed not to let their last prank succeed.

****

Shawn hates me now, too, Mom. I wish they all would just like me. It's probably my fault. Everything seems to be my fault, Jenna wrote. 

Tears streamed down her face. She had only eaten granola bars all day and some of her hair had fallen out in the shower. But she wouldn't give in. The voice advised her not to. She bit her hand until specks of pinkish blood appeared. 

That night, Jenna fell into a restless sleep, the throbbing somehow present in her dreams.

********

i baked cookies today but apparently i didn't put enough flour in the dough so they didn't turn out like at all. i cried. it was a good day.