Swiggity Swag, Here Are My Tags

What Is This, Have This For Being Great

My laptop's being so slow and it's kind of my fault with 10839274 tabs open, but I know people with twice as many tabs open and their internet is snappity quick so humph.

I'm listening to a podcast at the same time as writing this so that's why my sentences may seem disjointed.

You know, sometimes I want to be an actor. This is weird because I'd be so bad as an actor like if I get anxiety doing a presentation to a class of 30 school students that I know? I think I've wanted to be everything* at some point in my life. The draw for acting, for me, is the idea of playing a character, and being a character. Being so completely removed from myself and just becoming someone else would somehow be so mind-opening? I love seeing other people's perspectives on things, knowing the why's and being someone else would be the closest way to do that possible?

Am I the only one who wants to get drunk alone in a room with cameras set up just to see what kind of drunk I am? This makes more sense because I believe sort of in the saying "a drunk man's actions are a sober man's thoughts" or whatever it is.

For someone who wants to understand everything, there are a lot of things I just can't wrap my head around. This reminds me! I wanted to talk about my identity and stuff... Just as eloquently as that. So I've been identifying as a triple A battery, that phrasing particularly because it's A+, for a few months now? Wow, it's been a while. Okay, so that stands for asexual, aromantic, agender, and you probably know that if you've been following this book. There have been multiple moments that have confirmed my flaming aro-ace-ness that I will go into later because oh my, but it's the agender that I've been pondering lately. So I identify as agender mostly for convenience, but I didn't know this till kind of recently. Like, I don't really care or talk about it that often because I don't care? I don't want to be associated with all the drama and just general confusion? I read way too many blogs about LGBTQIA.......+ opinions, and I do that voluntarily to expand my horizons and see people's reasoning, but whenever I see people saying agender doesn't exist I'm like hurt but not because I think I can't really grasp why it matters? I believe everyone's got their own gender/[identity generally obviously] and labels are good for finding people like you to talk to and stuff, but I don't know where this is going... Basically I just can't get my head around gender. You know, I can make the connections that I've been taught, but the actual concept eludes me. I don't quite know how to phrase it, but when I look at someone I can identify that they look feminine/masculine/androgynous but I don't actually believe it. My mind just can't draw that conclusion for myself? It's like trying to push two magnets that are both negative or positive together. That's the feeling when I think about gender. If that makes any sense. This works for my own identity as well, although I don't really go into it, probably a side-effect of this inability to understand. I just have no connection to gender. This is also why I don't care about pronouns. I personally don't see why it matters, but I do understand as much as I can that it does matter to a lot of people. Which is why I respect people's pronouns and identity, and why my personal opinion doesn't matter; if someone asks me to do someone as small as use a certain set of pronouns it's not going to end the world if I respect that.

More on things I don't understand! Any sort of hatred? I don't know what this makes me out to be, but just, I don't think I've ever properly hated anything? And I'm definitely lucky to have this privilege, I know this. //Side note, I'm also [at least I think] a very empathetic person, and I recently found out I don't get how some people aren't?//

Is it weird I record the names/usernames of all my internet friends because I don't want to forget them because I love [everyone] all my internet friends and honestly I get so much anxiety with friend matters in general but I don't say that cause I don't want them to feel bad?? I'm really bad with regular updates/chatting oh my and when I don't go on kik for a long time get nervous going on finally and talking because I feel like I've missed too much and I'm not part of the group anymore???? Oh, yeah sorry kltchenslnk I will kik you eventually aye aye

I WAS GOING TO WRITE SOMETHING BUT I FORGOT DAMMIT

I WANT TO WRITE A BOOK FFFFFFF

Family Feud AU is actually not bad, this episode was really funny nice nice

http://tenplay.com.au/channel-ten/all-star-family-feud

So this is from a few months ago, and just an add on for the gender part as it has changed over the last few months. I've been going through a semi-chill crisis. I think I'm less no gender than all of them? I don't exactly know. I've begun to have this desire to present myself as androgynous, or even explicitly masculine. I just, I don't have any developed qualms with being female, the main reason I don't dress in a feminine manner is mostly insecurities and the amount of effort I want to put in. The concept of gender, as I've said before doesn't exactly make sense to me, and most of the time I dismiss my trains of thought as they are really of no consequence to me. I don't know, I'm just kind of deliberating right now.