Swiggity Swag, Here Are My Tags

[Just Imagine It's All Silent Screaming]

AKA My Ultimate Edgy Teenage Story #1

- I'm actually a control freak I just hide it very well.

I also have some sort of power complex. Like it makes me happy when people are powerful. That doesn't really sum it up, does it? Well, if we flip it, I usually can't stand it when powerful people become not powerful, or someone says someone else is more powerful. I mean, this is relative, like it's usually only for people who I think "deserve" it because I'm biased, so think book characters, that sort of thing. And when I say 'can't stand' take that as you will, I can't really explain what I feel. It's not annoyance or anything, it's discomfort, sadness maybe, a general angsty vibe. I think about this a lot, and it might tie into the control thing, which in turn stems from my innate need to be the best, which in turn does nothing for my outstanding ability to never get anything done and spiral continuously in a dangerous cycle of unworthiness, but that's getting too real. I just, I want to be special, notable, mean something so bad, so bad. I just can't- won't- set myself to one goal. I'm so very disorganised in everything I do. I never know when tests are on or assignments are due, and it's so dangerous because I hold myself to such high standards while always expecting so little. I hate sharing my mark with people, even if it's good because I'm so scared they've done better than me, that I'm not the smart one, because that's all I've got going for me. I feel like if I lose this title I'll be nothing, and besides my general anxiety at failing expectations, this is also why I don't ask for help, why I prefer to work things out myself. I'm actually going to dwell on this for a moment. I'm always maybe 30% sure I've got anxiety but then I'm about 80% sure I'm overexaggerating or whatever, and I think about how I don't get panic attacks, and the closest thing I had to one was when I was not in a good mental state, and I know panic attacks are different for everyone and anxiety in general is different for everyone, and I cry really easily in situations where I'm in the spotlight and sometimes I use pain to distract myself and it doesn't really work, since I'm usually over it pretty soon and it's always just there in my head. Like there was one time when I was up late, like really late but not because I was on my phone, I was just so fed up with everything, I cleaned my room and stuff and it was like 3 am and I just hated myself so damn much and it was all I could do to sit on my bed and cry and I was like that for like fifteen minutes and this was the only instance digging my nails into my arm helped and I know it's not good or healthy but it helped and I look back on this instance and it's strange even for me, I'm usually more passive in my self-hatred, you know. I don't hide it here since it's basically a contest who hates themselves the most here, but I don't bring it up to any of my friends and family in real life, and I'm such a hypocrite because I don't try and change it, I'm not working on not hating myself, because, well because I don't think I've ever loved myself, I don't I even know the meaning. I've been thinking about emotions a lot recently, and I don't actually experience very many. I don't love myself, and I really don't know if I love anything. I mean, I love my family and friends, I've cried over dead pets, but I don't know if I love them. I've never lost anyone, never been in a position where I could prove my love. I find it hard to express it because I don't know how. I don't make an effort to make their lives easier, I don't sacrifice anything for them. I care about them, but that's always in words, always empty and hanging. If I had to die or go through immense pain to save someone, would I? Would I do it because I love them, or because it's something that would make me notable? Everything just feels so much like going through the motions. I get excited sometimes but it feels disconnected, I laugh at jokes and get genuinely happy but I can't name the last time that happened. Sometimes it seems like I'm either just living or I'm anxious or berating myself, or this is all a lie and I'm just being edgy and dramatic.

Anyways my head's buzzing and the lights are too bright so I'll end this rant here. Maybe I'll fix it up one day, but for now, enjoy my ultimate edgy teenage story.

Sidenote: can I just say

Q: MY LIFE IS SO GOOD WHY CAN'T I APPRECIATE IT MORE?

A: because I don't try

It's a mess, it's all a mess and I'm trying to redeem myself everyone ignore everything I do