Swiggity Swag, Here Are My Tags

How Can I Possibly Sum This Up In A Chapter Title? What Am I? A Magician?..

I haven't been here for a while and the last chapter was a ;;little;; negative so let's start with some new year cheer.

Ha, no that's not happening, this is probably just going to be some incomplete thoughts I've been having lately.

I have some sort of respect for Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift yet I know practically nothing about them?? I know they don't have the best rep- at least Taylor anyways- but like since I don't have any information I've personally gathered and analysed I can't make an opinion and then since my opinion was already a form of respect it's just still that.

I create vicious cycles for myself through pointless excuses and I really should do something about that.

I'm like 10/10 hype for Fragments of an Angel, I really hope I can do TheInternetIsHere idea justice but then again she's my beta/basically writes the sense into the chapters cause I write exclusively in convoluted similes and metaphors. I've started the second chapter, I have hope.

I only vaguely know what convoluted means.

I don't read that often anymore. I try, and it's not like I don't read at all- I read quite often on AO3, but then it's still only oneshots and short stories. I just find it hard to concentrate on long stories, which means most actual novels. I used to read for long periods of time, at night, during the day, but lately I can't read for more than fifteen minutes to half an hour unless I'm really invested. I'm also the slowest reader you'll ever meet and I'm lowkey self-conscious about that okay it always seems like a competition I'm certain communities how many books you read. Even when I was fully invested I'd probably only get through one a month, maybe two if they were shorter. Maybe I just seem to find longer books now or I'm "growing up", or sometimes I tell myself I'm more focused on writing but I'm not so sure any of that is true.

I actually do really, really want to write books. I want to create complex characters in complex situations and I want people to relate and to be surprised and to live and to feel involved in the worlds I create.

I wish I could draw. Yeah, sure sometimes I draw something kind of cool, but u wish I could draw. Like hyperrealistic or even just be able to picture something and make it. A lot of my drawing is copying something or a generic unfinished sketch skeleton. I never finish anything either though, so that's also a problem.

I'm terrified of being ordinary. I don't want to be just another person, just another life lived. I wish I had stories to tell, I wish I had heterochromia or synaethesia or some other generally harmless condition associated with uniqueness that's really cool. I wish I travelled, I knew people who knew people who knew people, I wish I could solve all the problems on the world, I wish I was smart, polylingual, had a phd, confident but still me, I wish I was magic or owned a dragon or was trained in hippogriff breeding, I wish I was the hero of a story, that I could change the world, that I could solve climate change, stop he extinction of species, stop wars, save lives, make people okay, happy, content, I wish I could create amazing things through every medium possible, I wish I could sing, go for jogs at 4am, visit parks without being questioned, talk about my feelings freely, my worries, I wish I could tell all my friends how much they mean to me, how much I appreciate them even if we only talked once. I wish I could dye my hair without anyone caring, go to concerts and not feel like I'm not meant to be there, have fun in ordinary situations, live without an audience, animate things, put effort into living, completing my goals, make music, write poetry, have a million animals, travel to Narnia, become friends with Greek gods, know all the elements in the Periodic Table, get straight A's,  be fit, no cry when I do something wrong, be able to admit I've done something wrong, not be annoying or rash or stupid or misunderstood, I wish I didn't need someone to validate my opinions, I wish it was easy to tell people the truth and I didn't think they were lying, I wish I could keep my hair simultaneously long and short, I wish I was short or tall- not average, I wish getting dressed wasn't such a chore, I wish self-respect came naturally, that hygiene was so important I didn't think about it anymore. I wish everyone accepted everyone, that queerbaiting wasn't a thing, that people's intentions were clear, that it wasn't cool to be messed up, that is isn't cool to get little to no sleep, that it isn't a crime to be human.

I should stop, this is getting out of hand. I could probably keep going forever, but then I'd start talking about how much I want to write essays and make successful egg-in-toast and hide in shadows unapologetically and make memes. It's getting [is] late and I need to sleep because sleep is good and if you're having a hard time getting there I hope you get there. Whether it be with war milk, loud tunes or counting memes on tumblr until your eyes shut I do hope you wake up feeling refreshed, that you wake up and be the fullest extend of your being. That you see friends and stand up for and to strangers, that you believe in yourself and everyone else and the capability of kindness. That you find a dream and you fulfill it, then start another. That you solve your problems eventually and find yourself too. That you look back on your life every day and think that's what I lived for. I hope you make history, no matter how small.

... Just don't murder people in cold blood.