Why? Why does this happen only to you? Right when you thought you might have just cracked a real smile all of it is taken away in a flash. It is like I'm a plastic doll with a switch that turns depending on who I'm with but who am I? I know my name, my class, my caste and I know the colour of my eyes, my country and my religion. I know that I'm needy and desperate for love and attention. I know that I'm impulsive. Other than that when someone asks me to say something interesting about myself I stutter and choke. I'm not here, not really; because surely I'd be more functional and I'd be less of a disappointment and I'd be more of a person. I'm a numb piece of flesh with scarlet veins and blue bruises with blood pumping throughout my body back and forth between my heart and brain. I'm this miraculous and majestic living, breathing animal but I may as well be a carcass. I was used to pretending and that was one of the few things I was good at but now that facade is breaking and crumbling and I'm disintegrating along with it. I can see you and I can touch you but I can't seem to feel you. I'm not able to absorb anything that you're saying because I hear my heartbeat pounding and thudding like loud bass on cranky speakers. I hear myself messing everything up before I even do it and I'm analysing everything that you're doing trying to imitate all of it because I've forgotten how to act like me, hell, I've forgotten how to act like a normal human being. With a pounding head and a dry, burning scratchy throat I close my eyes to repeat the cycle once more.
