My heart beat stopped sounding familiar that night all those nights ago when my body stopped feeling like home. It was no longer a safe place, it turned into a broken shed where wanderers stopped to warm themselves up.
My heart beats as fast as the wings of a dragon fly but I know that its' life span is shorter than my self-respect; as non-existent as my purity, and as significant as its' life means to other insects.
My brain is still picking itself apart piece by piece trying to find a reason why you would possibly stay and my heart is trying to escape my cage of bones convincing me that this is meant to be.
I'm ready to burst from all the effort I'm putting in convincing myself that I cannot survive if this broke.
My body is split into two. A part of me that wants constant reassurance that you love me and another part of me which feels like it doesn't deserve the reassurance.
This bedlam is the last place I wanna be but it is the only place where you exist. It is the only place where I have you with me and as scary as it is; it is the only place where I want to wake up in the mornings and not go back to sleep.
When I do wake up and see you suffering, I think of my own madness and how I've dragged you into it. I think of you and me together and you and me apart. I think of my various personalities and can't help but wonder if you will ever be willing to accept them all. I wonder if you're strong enough for the hard love that I give and if I'm strong enough for the deep love that you are offering.
Making this work is the hardest thing I've ever done and I don't want to take the next step without you but what if I don't live to take the next step? What if I disintegrate along with my thoughts and troubles? What if one day I flip the switch and go completely insane?
I'll never know the answers. As for now, I'll just breathe. I'll fill my lungs with oxygen and pretend that they're not burning because you're not here.
Just breathe.
