I don't fall in love, I fall into obsessions. My therapist tells me that my brain has programmed itself in a way that it falls very fast and makes everything colourful all at once and makes it all gray when you least expect it. It's a side effect of your past he told me. I wanted to laugh; as someone who's told a multitude of people that a person's past doesn't define them it seemed ironic that I was the exact opposite.
My brain is still struggling to catch up with itself. My 4pm thoughts are the same as my 2am thoughts. Floating around, spaced out. The report in my bag burns a hole through me everyday. The pills that I'm supposed to take are choking the life out of me.
I want to feel, feel, feel so fucking badly; I'll take it artificial. I'll swallow waiting for the drugs to kick in. I'll wait for the chemicals to increase the serotonin and dopamine but that never happens. It's always the same. The situation never changes. The cycle never breaks.
I'm stuck repeating the same patterns; the patterns are stuck in me.
One day, I'll cycle all the way to that bridge at 3 am. I'll stand on top of the railing and apologize to the world. I will leave a note asking people not to blame themselves and that I'm not made for this world; I could never survive. My brain will finally win and it'll be fucking exhilarating.
I will fly with my arms outstretched watching the ground grow closer and closer and evrrything would go black.
I will be reborn, as someone else; someone with a functioning brain; someone who doesn't feel like they're lost inside a hurricane sinking uncontrollably. I'll feel free.
