I don't miss you anymore. I don't wake up every morning wanting to drive a knife in my head anymore, it was not my fault. I'm getting used to waking up without wishing I didn't. Instead, I look forward to my morning coffee, my shower, breakfast(sometimes) and go through the day(mostly) without panic. Sometimes, I make myself look through photos of us and of you even though I know I shouldn't. My heart aches but I find that this pain is more bearable than the one I put myself through when I was with you. I don't wake up in the middle of the night with your voice screaming in my head. I don't look in the mirror and see someone who's unworthy of everything nice. I don't blame you for what happened to me. But, I don't think I blame myself either. I no longer want to endure pain and hurt in hopes of a happily ever after, it doesn't exist. There is no future or past, only the present. No amount of obsessing is going to change anything. So, I've decided to just be. Just be in the present. Just be, no matter what thoughts swirl around like a hurricane. Just be, for I'm the eye of the storm. Just take everything in one breath at a time. And if I find that I cannot, if I find that I'm too dissassociated to absorb, I'll just let it be. I'll take a walk, listen to music, just let myself be with no one controlling my every action. Just let myself be and the reality is much calmer than I expected. It is drizzling rain, tea and cigarettes. Cool air and mist against your face and warm smoke through your lungs. It's staying, standing, staring with no rush, no hurry, no panic. Anxiety can be a part of you but she need not show her face all the time and I've accepted her. I've accepted her as one of my own and with acceptance came warmth and calm.
So now, I wake up every morning, brush my teeth with no dread, drink my coffee with no tears and walk with no shivers. I might still miss parts of you sometimes, but I don't want any part of you and sure as hell don't need you.
