I told you that I'll be okay and maybe I will but right now I feel far from okay. I feel this physical twist in my gut as I'm biting down on my knuckles to keep my sobs within myself. What I don't understand is how cruel can you be? How vile are you to break an already shattered glass smashing it in to even smaller pieces to a point where it can't be pieced together anymore? The emptiness in my chest is gone filled with the continuous thudding of my heart and I send a prayer for the organ that's pumping liquid through my body to burst. I feel nauseous again and I hear your voice telling me how everything was going to be fine and how naive I was to believe it. How fucked up was I to believe anything that came out of your cheating, lying mouth? My head is bursting with pain, my lungs are aching for oxygen and I can't get rid of the feeling that I'm choking on something. Maybe that something would be your trust forcing me to swallow the jagged pill stuck in my throat killing me from the inside. I don't know how I'm going look at anyone in the eye. I have no excuses and I have no one to blame but myself for I realized that I have repeated the same mistake one too many times and I don't think that I'll ever trust anybody ever again thanks to you. I'm unable to accept a compliment thanks to you. To you it was all a game to see if you could get me to trust you and you won. You won over a fucked up, tattered mess of a human being who was desperate enough to do something that she'd regret for the rest of her life. It was never really my intention to not like you and yet I trusted you enough to experiment what I should have let go and now I realize that it was only because I felt pressurised to say yes when all I wanted was to scream no. I want to scream until my throat's bleeding until you understand the amount of pain I'm feeling inside this flesh container of mistakes. My hands are shaking, longing for a razor and to make so much progress and have it crumble is a feeling I don't want you to experience.
I'm unable to love anyone, thanks to you and the worst part is that all of it was my fault.
