four walls (breathe out)

chapter twelve: push me away

I GUESS I didn't really like her. She just made me happy, kissed me when I needed it and was there when I got sad." Tyler says. He's laying on his bed in nothing but a big t-shirt and briefs (his scarf wrapped around his ankle for an odd reason), staring at the wall in deep thought.

Josh doesn't speak, his eyes are focused on the fresh words that hang over the dresser. As soon as they got there the mess of a boy wrote his heart out then stripped and collapsed.

He sobbed for what felt like hours and Josh wonders if the sadness is from the self doubt and the feeling of losing someone so close rather than heartbreak.

Can I understand you?
Can I understand you?
Can I understand you?
Can I understand you?

Simple but powerful.

"I don't know what I did. Am I not smart enough? Did she get bored of me? Is it because I'm a junior? Am I ugly? Joshua, am I ugly?" Josh looks away from the wall and to the boy on the bed. He smiles softly.

"No, Ty, you're gorgeous." Tyler doesn't respond, he just stares at Josh curiously before sitting up.

It seems like eternity that Tyler stares him down, trying to read his every emotion.

"Will you kiss me?" With wide unblinking eyes Josh stares back.

"What?"

"It's okay to say no. I just...I enjoyed it the other day. I could use something good right now."

It takes a minute for the words to soak in but when they do Josh cautiously walks to Tyler's bed and sits next to him. They're close but not touching and Tyler leans in a bit further.

"Are you scared?" He whispers.

"Are you?"

"Always." Josh wonders if the fear he's talking about is completely different than his own.

Josh closes the gap, connecting they're lips gently.

They're exactly how he remembers them, soft and slightly cracked. Josh can feel his own name on the sad boys lips, his warm breath when they open their mouths for a deeper connection.

Tyler's hands are warm blankets when they slide under his dress coat, sliding it onto the floor.

Nimble fingers unbutton the round plastic circles of Josh's shirt as he lays over Tyler, his hands on either side of his head.

Tyler doesn't pull Josh's shirt off completely, just enough for it to hang on his shoulders and bare his stomach.

His hands are soft and cautious on Josh's tanned skin as the older boys tongue explores his mouth like unmarked treasure.

When Josh pulls away with a sloppy noise Tyler doesn't open his eyes.

The red haired boy takes his time observing him, his thick brows and his button nose. His cheeks are flushed and his hairs messy.

He's stunning.

"Thank you." Tyler suddenly praises, his doey eyes opening.

"You're welcome." Josh lays next to him.

"You know, this really fucking sucks."

"I'm sorry."

"My parents liked her a lot. She made me smile when I was down, now what am I going to do?" Josh turns to look at Tyler's side profile.

"I'm here, aren't I?" Tyler just sighs.

"I can't do that to you." Josh is confused.

"Do what?"

"It's obvious you aren't looking for commitment and me...I ... I take a lot of commitment. Work, I guess you could say. Late night phone calls, kisses on demand and constant sadness. I can't bring you down like that."

Josh doesn't say anything, only getting up to change into some of Tyler's basketball shorts for bed and returning to his place.

He wants to say that yeah, he's not into commitment, but that he can be. At least for a little while. At this point he'd do anything for the boy.

But he doesn't, instead he gets under the covers and sighs.

They sleep soundly, Tyler finding his way into Josh's arms throughout the night.

It's nice, but when they wake up Josh is overcome with more guilt.

Tyler's sitting on the edge of his bed in tears, when the older boy comes to, his head in his hands. Josh is about to reach out when he suddenly jumps up, grabbing a red sharpie and standing on his tippy toes to write more words above his keyboard.

Josh watches him soundlessly, his fast speed, the small chicken scratch words, his T-shirt riding up his bare legs. The scarf on his ankle drags behind him loosely.

When he's finally done he throws his sharpie at the words, slamming a fist against it when the marker does nothing but bounce back at him.

Josh sits up, startled, making his way to the boy when he repeatedly bangs his fist onto the dry wall.

He lays a hand between Tyler's shoulder blades and as of he's done it his entire life the boy turns to Josh and throws himself against his chest.

Moments later Kelly comes in, her hair a mess and wrapped in a rob. She assesses the situation before nodding and leaving the room.

Josh has it under control.

"I hate this." Tyler whines, punching Josh's chest lightly. "I hate it! Why did she leave?! God it's not even about her or the relationship anymore! It's all the secrets I told her, we grew up together and yet she drops me like I'm nothing! Why am I so gosh darn useless!"

Josh doesn't know what to say. The only demons he's ever had to battle are his own and he's learning quickly that his and Tyler's are completely different.

"I...I don't know Tyler." But he knows. He knows because if he would of kept his mouth shut and kept his selfish desires to himself Monica would still be here.

He's made Tyler upset, he's the reason he's like his.

Tyler hugs him closer.

"I'm sorry. You don't need this in your life. You can go I understand." Josh pulls away, holding the boys face between his palms.

"Seriously shut up. You're not a burden, I'm not going anywhere. I want to be here, I want to help. Don't push me away." Tyler doesn't smile or try to kiss him again, he nods slowly and wonders back to his bed, taking the scarf from his ankle and wrapping it around his hand, his back to the frowning boy.

"Thank you Joshua." Then he's closing his eyes and Josh is left to whither away under his guilt.