Alex's Nirvana

Nirvana

8
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asks as I ignore him because I’m doing my homework, Alex just walked into my room and naturally got offended when I wasn’t in the mood due to my endless studies.
“Nothing,” I say flatly as I sit at the overcrowded with papers and books desk that barely has any space for my elbow.
“Seriously, what’s up?” he tries again but I just ignore him and go to the bathroom to wash my face and go to bed, it’s time for him to go home.
I walk into my room and find him on my bed; he’s sitting there staring at my window.
“I never realized how clear and obvious my room is from here.” I laugh sarcastically, you have no idea.
I sit down on the bed next to him and lie down, laying my head against one of my many pillows. I have an abundance of pillows, I love pillows, and I can’t sleep without knowing that there is like, at least, fifteen pillows surrounding me in every corner, making me feel like I am surrounded by something or someone. Yes I am that desperately lonely.
Alex automatically lies down next to me and starts playing with my hair that is spread out all around me, it almost looks like my hair is a dark force field surrounding me, and he twirls it round and round in his fingers.  He always plays with my hair, especially when he’s sad or nervous. It also calms me down; it’s nice knowing that just my hair can calm him down almost instantaneously.
“What’s wrong, Alex?” I ask as he continues to wrap my strands around his finger.
“It’s nothing.” Now it’s his turn to deny it all, to put on a transparent mask that fails miserably at concealing his troubled visage.
“Alex, talk to me.” I insist, there must be a reason why he didn’t go home yet, its almost midnight and I’m so backed up on my schoolwork.
He gets up and walks over to my window, he looks out at his house and stares at it, as if he is waiting for it to pull him to it, to suck him in and consume him fully. He looks at it with disgust, almost like he is appalled and wants to throw up but you can see some love in his eyes too, that’s his home, after all.
“I don’t want to go back there, I don’t want to spend yet another night alone in that house knowing that if anything were to happen to me, if I were to scream and cry, no one would hear me, not even you.” he looks at me, his eyes look right through me, it’s like he is looking at me but he’s not at the same time, like he sees me yet I’m invisible too.
“It’s not that bad,” I insist, attempting to make his dystopia a little less like hell.
“Nirvana, have you ever woken up screaming and crying from a nightmare? One you thought was real?” I shake my head; I usually see signs in my dreams, ones that carry me to him. “I do, every single night and no one is there to wake me up from them. The saddest part is that waking up feels like a continuation, like the second part of my nightmare and that’s because I at least expect someone to be there when I scream but no one is there, it’s just me sweating heavily, trying to catch my breath too, in a huge house with so many rooms but not enough people.”
I never asked him about his home or his parents, I never thought he’d want to open up about it or discuss it to anyone; he didn’t seem like the type to share his pain or even possess any pain in general. He always smiled and tried to make me feel better. That is when I realized that smiling doesn’t mean you’re happy, a lot of the time it means you’re breaking apart and you need someone to hold you together.
I look at him and he looks away from me and turns back to his window. The silence fills up all the space in the room, I search my brain frantically for the right words but nothing comes up.
“I don’t want to be alone tonight, any night but tonight.” He whispers, nearly broken, not just bent.
I don’t question why tonight is so significant, why he can’t stay alone specifically tonight, I don’t bother anyway, and he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it.
Alex, Alex, Alex, stop making me feel this way. Stop making me feel like my heart is about to explode right out of my chest and splatter all over my wall. Stop making me want to cry over something that I don’t even understand. Stop making me fall and crash into you so damn hard. Just stop.
“I’ll stay with you.” I suggest, he only shakes his head.
“you’ve never stayed in my house at night, that’s when the emptiness fades away and the fear settles in, I can’t do that to you.” he looks at me sympathetically, as if I’m the tormented one.
“Please, let me stay with you, just one night. We can turn it into some cheesy video game sleepover where we stay up all night and tell each other ridiculous stories as we braid each other’s hair!” I over exaggerate and he smiles at me and shakes his head, giving into me.
“Sure, but no hair braiding, I suck at that.” I laugh and I agree, after that we both march over, across the street, to his empty home where we instantly walk up to his vacant room that looks like a solitary wonderland.
Alex’s room is amazing, he filled his walls up with quotes, an endless list of quotes that have made him laugh, made him cry, touched his heart and soul, it’s like a gateway to his beautiful mind and kind heart that never ceases to amaze me. I have been in here so many times and I have never been able to fully read all of the quotes that have been put on display.
The rest of his room is also pretty cool, the remaining empty spaces on his walls are filled with pictures of all his favorite bands and movies and TV series. My eyes scan his walls for any new editions to his massive collection and I blush deeply when I see a “Nirvana” poster right next to “All Time Low” and “The Pretty Reckless”.
I crash down on his bed and watch as he carefully turns his gaming console on and selects my favorite video game, mortal combat, it’s the only game where I actually stand a chance at winning.
My legs are swaying in the air as I lie down on my stomach and watch him, I’ve never been here at night before, I’ve only seen it from his window and I see him pacing around back and forth sometimes, he always looks lost and scared. I just want to be here for him, I want to let him know that I’m not going anywhere, unlike his parents that I only see pictures of.
He looks like his mom, from what I can see from the pictures anyway. He has his mom’s dark, curly hair and bright green eyes, as well as her impressively high cheekbones, but he has his father’s strong jaw and straight nose.
I am in my favorite blue oversized sweater and superman shorts. I am obsessed with marvel but not like most teenagers, I don’t like the character’s logo or swoon over Batman’s deep, charismatic voice that draws most girls in like moths to a burning flame. I like their background stories, I like reading about characters such as the joker and Edward Nigma, I enjoy hearing the bad guy’s side, and I like reading how they got to their hopeless states. Alex also enjoys reading the struggle, he enjoys their dark sides, but he also loves the classic superhero’s such as Spiderman, superman, batman, ironman, etc…
“Can you put some music on?” I ask as we both sit in silence as we wait for the video game to load.
“You know where the speakers are, plug your phone in and play whatever you want.” He says, eyes still focused on the screen, something is off.
I get up and search his cupboards for his speakers when I accidentally come across this picture of Alex when he was a kid, his eyes practically glowed and his smile was magnificently radiant, I’ve only seen him smile like that once and it only lasted for one picture perfect moment, I didn’t capture it on camera but it is engraved in my memory. I smile down at the picture and quickly take a picture of it from my phone before returning to Alex.
“Are The Smiths alright?” I ask, he just nods so I pick up my phone and play ‘how soon is now?’ Alex automatically hums along to the rhythm absentmindedly.
We play video games quietly, there’s no screaming, no laughing, no arguing, no accusing anyone of cheating, just silent rounds after rounds of endless fighting. Part of what makes video games so fun is the thrill, the blood pumping through your veins when you’re about to win but I can’t think of winning anything with Alex so moody.
I get pissed at some point and I make it pretty obvious. I am too frustrated and confused to be around him, it’s like his pent up vibes are transferring onto me and I don’t like the way it’s making me feel. I just feel so angry and so… so… I don’t even know. That’s how mad I am.
You know I am pissed beyond measure when all I want to do is scream and when I can’t place a finger on my emotions because I am relatively mapped out when it comes to my emotions. When you have spent as much time as I have in the comfort of no one but yourself you learn to figure yourself out back and front and can instantly know your own emotions and thoughts but Alex always makes me feel like I have hit a wall.
I stop playing against him and just get up; I take the long and wide arched stairs down to the entrance where I then take a right into the kitchen that I have spent so much time in, obviously because both Alex and I bond over food and also because I enjoy cooking and he enjoys eating my creations.
I turn the lights on and make my way to the fridge and pull everything that looks sweet out so I find ice cream, whipped cream, strawberries, numerous chocolate bars, sprinkles, and a waffle left over from the batch we made yesterday morning.
I absentmindedly grab two oversized bowls and search for the peanuts. I have memorized every nook and cranny of his kitchen; I am practically in love with it and its perfect marble countertops, stainless steel appliances, and perfectly smooth tiles that I can see my very own reflection in.
I rip the cover off of the ice cream containers and begin the infamous struggle known as “scraping stubborn, clingy, and frozen ice cream out of the damn container”, my most hated task to do, I usually let Alex do that but I think I need to release my anger somehow because right now, I feel like I could punch someone, and by someone I mean Alex.
I mumble so many words under my breath when I hear Alex laughing at me from the counter where he is taking a video of me on his phone.
“This isn’t funny!” I almost scream.
“I don’t know, I think it’s pretty entertaining, you should know you are about as stubborn and as persistent as that ice cream.” He jokes, I just glare at him and feel heat rise in my body, my mother always used to say ‘how can someone so tiny contain so much anger?’ truth is, I don’t even know.
I’m not technically tiny, I’m just pretty short. My mom and dad are both tall while I am barely five foot three so in comparison to my parents, I am tiny. I don’t consider myself thin or petite, I’m pretty curvy, I’ve  got huge thighs but I at least have a flat stomach and a nice waistline.
“Shut up, okay?”  I snap, how can someone be so mercurial all the time? Hanging out with Alex is like being trapped on a roller coaster ride with enough ups and downs to make you dizzy and slightly sick.
Alex carefully creeps up on me and wraps his arms around me and starts tickling me, I laugh hysterically and try and break free of his strong hold but fail, I just laugh and laugh on and on, feeling like my lungs are about to burst.
“Stop, please!” I plead, my face feels flushed but Alex goes on.
In a desperate attempt to stop this hell where I am both laughing and crying, I grab the first thing  I can find and spray it all over him, I open my eyes again and see that Alex is covered in whipped cream and is glaring at me in that ‘I’m-going-to-get-you-back’ way.
I watch him as he wipes the whipped cream off of his face and into the sink right next to him, I bite my lower lip and brace myself for his wrath that is about to reign upon me.
As expected Alex grabs the first thing he can find too, unfortunately for me, its chocolate syrup.
“Alex don’t, think about this, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!” I beg as I get ready to run but I didn’t even get a chance, Alex grabs me and pours the sticky and sweet brown liquid all over me, making sure my hair was drenched in it.
“There, now we’re even.” He smiles victoriously at me as he goes and puts the syrup back on the counter but I’m not satisfied, this great injustice must be avenged.
“Truce?” I ask as I walk towards the counter and wash whatever I can of the chocolate syrup off of me, I turn around and see that Alex is eyeing me  questioningly, he doesn’t believe that I have given up so easily and honestly speaking, he shouldn’t.
“Are you okay?” he asks, he watches  my every move but there’s not much he can do when I decide to grab the entire ice cream container, that has melted a bit and has become kind of soft, and smash it into his face the way cartoon clowns throw pies at people’s faces.
I stand there and laugh at him as he just stands there and stares at me, his jaw is hanging and his eyes are wide.
“You monster, you murdered my ice cream!” I laugh again, clutching my stomach, nearly falling over. He can’t help but smile too and soon he gives in and starts laughing with me, we soon find ourselves both on the floor unable to breathe due to our uncontrollable laughter.
We stare at each other on the kitchen floor and I put my finger out slowly and rub it across his cheek, my finger is now filled with ice cream. I lick my finger and close my eyes, it tastes really sweet. It satisfies a lot of my sugar cravings but only intensifies my Alex cravings.
Alex and I have been friends for a while now, almost six months, I see him every single day and we’ve never kissed so I have all this energy building up inside of me and I can’t release it.
“Come here,” Alex whispers, I lean closer. “Come closer.” He whispers again.
“Why are you whispering?” I whisper back.
“I don’t know so are you?” I laugh in a low tone and lean closer, for a second there I think he might kiss me, my hearts beat picks up and I look at him in this way but then I catch the devious look in his eyes and laugh loudly when he licks the  chocolate syrup that has spilled down my head to my cheek.
“Did you seriously just lick me?” I hit him playfully and he pretends to look hurt.
“Well, do you blame me? I couldn’t let good syrup go to waste.” Alex stands up and helps me up too.
We both clean up, taking turns showering while the other listens to music in Alex’s room, then we lie down on Alex’s huge bed together with so many pillows between us, too many pillows if you  ask me.
I’m wearing one of Alex’s shirts, its grey and has the words “#chill” plastered on it, the shirt looks more like a dress on me, I also wore a pair of his boxers as shorts while Alex is in his regular plain shirt and grey sweat pants ensemble that he loves so much.
I  just want to throw all the pillows away and hug him, he’s the only person that makes me want to throw all my pillows away and replace them all with him.
I closed my eyes, ready to sleep and I did drift off into a deep slumber quickly, and instantly started dreaming of Alex even though he was only a few pillows away.
If only I knew what that night had in store for the both of us…