Alex's Nirvana

Nirvana

4
It was all so sweet, so great, so amazing. every time he touched me I was swept off of my feet and transported to paradise, but I fear I have been locked out of heaven and its only a matter of time before I fall from cloud nine and land on my, soon to be broken, wings.
It’s happening again, I’m losing him to his inner demons and to his alter ego once more. It’s not happening all at once, like last time, this time around it’s all more subtle. He’s been going out more at midnight and coming home late, he is evading me all over again and going on as if I no longer exist, and for what reason? I don’t know.
He smells like a brewery a lot of the time, like the child of a drunkard and an intense smoker. I try and talk to him but he doesn’t want to discuss anything, so I am taking matters into my own hands and decide to follow him out tonight and I really wish I stayed at home.
I walked into the, wait for it, bar and sat on one of the stools away from Alex. I ordered a virgin cocktail and watched him through the tinted lens of my glasses that I never wore until now. The bar is loud and chaotic, it’s filled with all sorts of rebellious teenagers over crossing their boundaries and limits that their parents enforced on them.
The music is also pretty over the top, to call this irritating noise tolerable would be the world’s biggest lie ever concocted by anyone. Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m just not used to this noise, and clearly the people dancing animatedly contradict my words, although their dancing might just be the side effects of drinking alcohol.
I see a man sit down next to Alex; some shady looking guy in a trench coat emerges from nowhere and strolls over to Alex. He hands Alex something and Alex takes it and hands him money. My eyes widen in horror as I connect the dots.
I slam my fist down subconsciously on the table, nearly spilling my drink, and storm over to him. I feel inflamed, and not with passion, but with anger. Is this why he has been avoiding me? Has he found a new addiction, one that comes at an easier cost and doesn’t require much attention or care?
Alex’s jaw drops when he sees me and he looks guilty too, but there’s also a very vacant look on his face, he’s clearly out of it. I can’t be mean to him, not right now, I need to take him home now and I can give him the drugs and alcohol speech tomorrow before we go to school.
I lean so close to him that our faces are nearly touching, I slowly lean closer and touch his lips with my own, just to taste the alcohol on my lips, confirming my doubts.
“You taste awful.” I comment after I pull away before he kisses me back and we get caught up in a moment.
“What are you doing here?” Alex regains his focus and starts judging me, like I’m the guilty one here.
“The real question here is what the hell did you just put in your pocket? Don’t lie to me or give me any crap, tell me the truth.” I glare at him, I have to sit down next to him in order to hear him but he smells so awful, I can still smell hints of the old Alex but its being covered by his new scent.
“Calm down vana, I’m not doing anything wrong, and why do you care? This isn’t harming you at the end of the day.” He snaps.
“Well, it is harming you and I care about you, so give it to me now or throw it away now, either way it’s gone.” I yelled over the music.
“this,” he lifts up the small, plastic bag containing three rolled up joints, in his hand and dangles it around in front of me, provoking me, “isn’t going anywhere, but I am.” He gets up and walks away from me. I let my face crumble for a second there but I quickly compose myself and follow him.
Alex lights one up and smokes it, knowing very well that I am right behind him, and he carelessly lets the ashes fall on the ground. Where did he even find this place to begin with?
I run up to him and grab his hand before he presses it against his lips again.
“Let go of my hand right now, vana.” He threatens me but I’m not afraid, although maybe I should be.
“Stop calling me vana and drop whatever it is you’re smoking.” I look into his eyes but I don’t see him no more, this is much worse than the first time he decided to retaliate against me and turn on me.
“Why? Does it bother you, sweetheart? Are you waiting for me to snap out of it, break this in half, drop it on the ground, and step on it? That’s not happening any time soon so you should just let me go.” He gives me this look that makes my stomach churn in disgust but I control my twisting features and fight back.
“If you won’t, I will zodiac.” I grab the toxic crap rolled up in a thin paper and break it in half in front of him, and then I do throw it on the ground and stomp on it, just for the dramatic effects. “Don’t test me, Harrison.” I raise my eyebrow and glare right back at him.
“What the hell did you just do? Do you have any idea what I had to do to get those? Leave me alone nirvana, walk away and just leave. I don’t know why you don’t just go, it’s what you really want, isn’t it?” he yells at me, he looks furious, like he might punch the wall or something.
“What are you talking about? Can you not see that I am right here and I’m not going anywhere, is it not obvious enough that I am deeply and truly committed to you and to us?”
“But it’s not your true intentions, you really want to leave, you’re just here because you pity me and I don’t need that.”
“It’s not, I don’t want to leave, you’re only pushing me away, and it’s all in your head.” I’m confused; I never said I wanted to leave, and just to clarify things, I do not want to leave.
“Maybe you don’t want to consciously, but your subconscious really wants to get the hell away from me.” I give him a confused look and he rolls his eyes. “You talked in your sleep, that night we slept in my car, ‘You know it’s time to let go when your love brings more pain than pleasure.’ That’s exactly what you said so I’m really doing you a favor here, now just walk away and let me be, I can easily let you go, why can’t you seem to do the same?”
I’m too stunned to answer his question, how do you answer a question like that anyway? How can you openly say because my very existence depends on yours and without you I feel empty and incomplete, because I’ve grown far too attached to you to let you go, because I am so deeply and truly in love with you that it’s too much to handle?
I don’t even remember saying any of that, Alex stares at me for a second, he really stares at me intensely before he gets tired of waiting for an answer from a girl that is paralyzed and overcome by her worst nightmare come to life.
“Look, nirvana, I don’t know what we were thinking to begin with, you and I are both self destructive, in need of saviors, and chaotically ruined, we can’t and we won’t work, no matter how hard we try. I can’t contain you and you can’t contain me, we both need someone that can water us and fill us up when our cups are running out but we’re both running dry and we’ve given each other all that we had and we don’t have anything to give each other anymore because we barely had anything to begin with, we’re only watching each other die slowly and I don’t want to be the reason you die because you’re the type that would give me your last drop of water if it ensured my survival so I think it’s better if we just call it quits and let it go.”
I watch silently, frozen in place with this dumbstruck and heartbroken look plastered on my face as Alex walks away, disappearing into the darkness as if he were never even there.
Misconceptions, common misconceptions happen to ruin everything. Misunderstandings and misconceptions are the true roots of every existing problem between friends and lovers alike, and I have fallen and landed on my face, bruising up and scarring my body for life just when my other wounds had started healing.