Alex's Nirvana

Alex

I head back to Melissa and mike that have been joined by nirvana’s grandparents; they are sitting together in the most uncomfortable silence I have ever witnessed. I met them once, they seemed nice but nirvana never really related to them, and neither did I.
The thing about nirvana is that she’s unique, she’s an intoxicating blend of everything, she isn’t a one sided coin, she has so many tricks up her sleeve and I personally loved uncovering her secrets, one by one. She has so many sides, it’s like there are five mini different nirvana’s all crammed into one giant nirvana and they all share so may similar characteristics but at the same  time they are all so diverse.
Nirvanas grandmother smiles at me and her grandfather does the same, they both seem like they are trying to put up a happy image for mike and Melissa who both look more and more tormented every time I see them.
“Where were you?” Melissa asks me in a worried tone.
“I went to church,” I answer back, honestly.  “Did I miss anything? Did you guys get any updates?”
“Yes, we did,” Melissa pauses and closes her eyes for a second; mike puts her out of her misery and delivers the bad news to me himself, mike takes me to a corner away from Melissa and his parents and he gives me the update I’ve been dreading.
“She lost a lot of blood and they almost lost her but they managed to get her back in the nick of time, they still don’t know what to expect though, they said that everything is very uncertain at this point, it’s all touch and go.” Mike puts on a cool and collected mask but I see right through him, he’s about as miserable as Melissa.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here and I’m sorry for everything in general.” I apologize again; I probably won’t ever make up for this.
“Its fine, I’m sure nirvana doesn’t regret a thing, she never wanted to hurt you, and I guess this was her way of fixing things between you two.” He said, showing some emotions.
“You don’t have to make me feel better, I know why she did what she did, I mean I didn’t appreciate it or understand it, but I know why.” I answered back, wanting to avoid going into details.
“Between me and you, I’m rooting for you.” mike puts his hand on my shoulder and nods at me before he leaves me to go back to his wife.
I think about mikes words for a while, okay, so he’s rooting for me, that doesn’t mean I’m necessarily going to win since at the end of the day, that’s up to nirvana. I remember it so clearly; it was just a few months ago, around the end of summer when all the chaos was still new.
Nirvana and I had just taken a break, I had convinced her again that we were toxic and we wouldn’t work no matter what, my alter ego took over me and scarred her with my harsh words that were mostly lies. I still remember most of what I said that night.
“Look, nirvana, I continue to hurt you time and time again, and for what? Because I can’t give you what you want. I don’t like getting involved after a certain point, and I’ve reached that point so long ago.” I said calmly, trying not to spoil my cool and collected exterior.
“What the hell, Alex? What about all the things we’ve done and all the things you told me? Are those all irrelevant now, because I asked if we were just friends or more?” she seemed so angry, like she was ready to beat me up to a pulp. Her cheeks were a deep shade of red and her eyes were wide and terrified, terrified of losing me I guess.
“Basically, we have some great memories but we’re friends, nothing more, we can’t ever be more anyway, you and I are like a hurricane and a tornado clashing into each other and causing mass destruction, we’re no good and I just don’t think we’re going to work.” I shrugged when I said that, and that only pissed her off even more.
“You’re kidding, right? You choose now to be pessimistic and walk away? I mean of all the times I practically begged you to leave me alone and all the perfect opportunities you had, you choose now?” she yelled at me, she could be as loud as she wanted since we were in my home,  no one was here anyway.
“This is all just hurting you, and for what? I’m sorry I can’t get along with you and you’re suffering because of it so wouldn’t it just be easier if you simply left?”  I asked her, she closed her eyes and a new emotion took over her face, sadness.
She didn’t get it, no one did and no one ever will. I pushed her away and I forced her to leave and crushed her because I cared, I cared too much, more than I’d like to admit and it’s not who I am to cut people out, I mean I cut people out whenever I have to, but I didn’t have to cut her out, I just did it because I depended on her too much. My world revolved around her, she was the air I breathed and the blood that coursed through my veins, she was much more than that, she was the atoms that made up everything, my entire existence depended on her and was made up of her, too.
I know you’ve probably heard a million guys say that about a million girls and that’s  because it’s true,  I never really related to those until I met nirvana, she made everything ordinary seem so magical, she could make a disaster look so beautiful, she was the calm in all of this chaos and I needed that. I needed her and her weird personality and quirky ways as well as her moody days, and her sharp and witty comebacks that can make you laugh until you cry or can cut you like a knife.
People never really know how I feel about them because I don’t tell them; I just assume that they know because I make it pretty clear, at least I think I do. I mean, I stayed out in the pouring rain for her, I took her to the diner where my parents met, and I told her things and showed her things that I never told or showed to anyone else. I just figured I made it pretty clear, no words needed, but I was wrong because you never really understand how fragile and contradictive someone’s mind could be. Everyone comprehends and interprets things differently. Some over think while others overlook, what I thought was expressive, poetic, or romantic could be viewed as cryptic, creepy, and overdramatic.
My point is, if you do love someone you should tell them, no matter what, even if you think they already know, or you fear they do not feel the same way, do not make the same mistakes I did, I just assumed she knew but she didn’t, for all I knew she could’ve thought that it was all one sided and all in her head.
If you were waiting for a sign, then this is it. I don’t care who you are,  where you’re from, or how complicated your love story is, if you  love someone, put this book down right now and tell them because believe me, it’s better to regret saying something rather than regretting not saying anything at all. So take this as an excuse to express your feelings and make sure people know how you feel before it’s too late and before you end up like me.
“If that’s what you want, it’s cool.” She turned around and just walked away, we both knew it wasn’t cool and she wasn’t okay with what I chose, but she put up with it anyway.
The next day, nirvana ignored me and wouldn’t look into my eyes, but it wasn’t because she was mad or sad or whatever, she looked guilty, like she had committed a serious crime and was dying to fess up but just couldn’t get the words out. Before she told me what happened, I had already figured it out, well not exactly, let’s just say that rumors spread like wildfire around here.
The question to be asked wasn’t “what did she do?” it was “who did she do?”
I found out from some girl in my chem. class that nirvana hooked up with Johnny, one of my closest friends besides nirvana. Apparently, she got drunk at a party and he was there and they were both mad so they got together.
I saw both of them stand next to each other in the hallways, both looking embarrassed and mortified, and that confirmed all of my doubts. I angrily walked passed them, and walked right out of the school too. I remember hearing nirvana call after me but I just ran home, feeling the anger seep into me. I needed to get away from both of them before I did something I would never forget.
I didn’t know why I was even mad at her, she was hurt and broken because of me, she had full rights to blow off some steam but I just didn’t think it would be with my friend.
That is when I realized that nirvana never really was mine, I never claimed her,  she was not devoted  to me and only me, she didn’t know that she was the only girl for me or that my heart beats just for her, she only knew that I was a confusing mess that couldn’t keep up with his own thoughts.
Thoughts, why did I let those control me? I shouldn’t have let my mind twist theories into bigger knots until it no longer made any sense, but I did and I can’t take any of it back.