Alex's Nirvana

Alex

I walk through the hospital halls again, one more hour burns and I’m just terrified of going back to mike and Melissa only to hear that nirvana bled out on the table or is in a coma. How unfortunate would it be for the two of them if nirvana was brain dead but still connected to millions and millions of wires that kept her heart beating?
I know where I’m going this time; I have a specific destination in mind.
I reach the room, only now do I realize that hospital walls have heard more sincere prayers than those you hear at church. I enter the hospital’s church and sit down on one of the many rows of empty seats and I close my eyes and try and reach out to my guardian angel, my sister.
Elliana Harrison, I awkwardly converse with my deceased sister, I wonder if her soul is wondering this hospital, filling the mournful air with a more hopeful one.
Elliana was always more spiritual than I ever was, she connected to things and people and could feel vibes, she would always say “your vibes are killing and suffocating me!” and laugh whenever I was in a bad mood, she would always shake me out of it.
“hey Elle,” I start talking to her, I remember the time when nirvana made me come and see her grave, I was hesitant at first but I cried like a baby when I saw her tombstone and her grave, I stared at her grave before I placed the flowers on the smooth marble and nirvana walked away, leaving me alone with my sister whom I miss so much. I tried to come and see elliana again on my own but I couldn’t do it, I need someone to push me and force me to go and see her but now that I am realizing that nirvana could die and if she does no one will be around to force me so I need to do this on my own.
Right now, I need elliana’s silence and presence as much as she needs my vibes.
“nirvana, the girl that I told you I took to mom and dad’s place, the one that could be the love of my life even though we never dated, yeah well I was  about to get hit by a car and she pushed me out of the way.” I pause because the air is getting thinner in here.
“And I don’t know what to do Elle, if she dies it’s on me and if she wakes up then I don’t know what to do or say.” I almost hear elliana say “you should be there for her, dumbass.” And I smile at myself as I recall all the endless lessons she gave me on respect and how to really treat someone you love.
“Well, obviously I am not leaving her side but all the things I’ve said and done to push her away recently, and not to mention that guy that shall not be named nor mentioned, well I don’t think she wants me to be there.” I stop and start really thinking about it. “She did push me out of the way, I’m sure she wants me there but still, I would have done the same even if I hated her.”
All of my issues trace back to the other side of me, my alter ego, he’s usually locked up in my mind but every once in a while he comes out to play and I become trapped. I know I sound insane, I probably am, I used to see a psychiatrist and was on three different pills but I quit all of that long ago because I didn’t feel like myself. I’d rather put up with my alter ego for a few days than become a completely different, dulled down version of myself forever.
I lean back against the wooden seat, staring at the hundreds and hundreds of candles, some lit, some burned out, and some on the verge of dying down. I feel my voice crack as I ask myself this question. “But what if she dies?”
I let the darkness consume me as I let a mere fraction of that thought run through me. I can already feel my heart burst in my chest and the pain is far too much for me to bear, I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself or anyone else if she were to die right now or ever, really.
I shut all of the negativity out when the candle I lit starts flickering in an unusual way, I smile and get the message elliana is sending me. I’m not exactly religious, but I sit there for a while, just praying and letting the sadness and grief wash over me, I also replace it all with hope, and we all need it at this point.