Alex's Nirvana

nirvana

1
Seconds, it all happened in a matter of seconds. There was only a split second between the moment I pushed him out of the way and the moment the car collided into me and knocked me down. Those are two moments I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget, I hadn’t intended on dying that day, or saving a life, but I did, and it all happened in a matter of moments.
You don’t really think about it, or get to think about it, try and put yourself in my shoes, dear reader, try and imagine being in my place right now with your first love, and possibly your last love, about to die and you saved him only to find out that he is now in a coma and has thirty days until he is unplugged, based on papers signed by his parents. Try and imagine being put in that situation, and ask yourself this: how would you react to it all?
How tragic must it be when someone dies for something they lived for?
How will he ever know my true feelings? I know I showed it a lot, but I never said it.
Think about it and ask yourself, did you make it clear, as clear as possible, your feelings? Were they clear or did you think they were? Because here I am, staring down at his comatose body from my wheelchair, watching him breathe through so many tubes that own him, every time his chest goes down my heart sinks to the very bottom of my chest until it rises again, then I relax and remind myself that he’s okay, and he’s still alive and well, and the pattern repeats itself over and over again. At least I can still hear his heart monitor beating regularly, the annoyingly repetitive sound reminds me that he’s still alive, he’s not gone yet.
So, look yourself in the mirror, study your features well, throw some random expressions in there, do you think those expressions are sending the right message or are your intended words being misinterpreted?
I know I loved him and I was in love with him, but did he know that? No, why? Well, because I never said it. I mean I did, but at the same time, I didn’t.
Think about it one last time, if the person you loved were to die today, would they die knowing that they were really, truly, and deeply loved by someone or would they die thinking they were delusional and they liked to believe that your feelings were authentic.
I pushed him out of harm’s way yet he still got the bad end of the deal. I was prepared to sell my soul to the devil to keep him here, but it’s not me who Satan wanted, I was rejected, declined, unaccepted. Alex, on the other hand, was born with a one way ticket to hell and I’m upset that he didn’t share it with me.
How Romeo and Juliet of me?
I never liked Romeo and Juliet, I always believed Shakespeare was making fun of them on some levels, yet here I am, wishing I was the one in a coma with him as opposed to being awake and in recovery without him.
I guess I’ll never know if he loved me, I mean I do, but at the same time, I don’t.