Alex's Nirvana

Nirvana

It’s been such a long time since I have seen the light, both realistically and metaphorically. I have migrated from his room to mine after I was dragged out of there and tossed into the shower by my mother. People don’t get it, I don’t have someone else to help me through this, he was it, he was all I had, and he was everything and more.
It still makes no sense to me, how it all worked out, how, despite my best efforts to save him, he still died and he still left me behind not knowing what to do now or where to go.
There were so many words, so many phrases, so many emotions I had to go through while reading his last words, so many things that I reread over and over and over again until I had memorized them for these will forever be what he leaves behind, these words are the words that are permanently etched into my very brain now and forever.
I found the packet of cigarettes in my room, they were on my side table next to the cluster of papers and my side lamp from IKEA that I never really put together. The packet of cigarettes had a sticky note attached to it, one that made my heart tear apart, I reread those three words so many times, I found a way to move on and live through those three words, and surprisingly, they weren’t the three words I had always wanted to hear, these three words held far more meaning than the other ones that I thought were the most significant and important words of all.
Written in a messy handwriting on a yellow sticky note, that I had framed and still have with me up to today, were the three words that defined us and erased all of my doubts, my grieving, my pain, my fear, everything, they may not bring him back to me, but they do make me feel like he won’t ever leave me, that he is here with me forever, until I die and get to reunite with him again.
“I choose you.”