Alex's Nirvana

Nirvana

6
Only love can hurt this much. Only love can make you feel this low and this high. Only love can burn this sweetly. Its torture, really, but nothing can ever compare to it all.
I love you
Those are the infamous three words that can make or break a relationship. I wouldn’t know since I never really heard them before,  it’s more like I felt them, like I felt the love emanating off of him and onto me.
I guess I shouldn’t wonder about it too much, or stress over it but I do, I always do. We’re too young, we’re best friends, and there are so many reasons why it would never work, too. I’m in a “relationship” with his friend, I mean we started our relationship based on rumors, everyone at this party thought we were sleeping together but we weren’t, my purity remains intact. We just talked all night long and danced to some songs and discussed things together, there wasn’t even any kissing.
That’s why, when I got to school the next day and saw Alex’s crushed face and then watched him run out of school, I knew he had heard the ludicrous rumors and believed them, not that I did anything to stop him, I wanted him to feel jealous and to realize my value and my worth.
The fact that he ran out only showed me that he really did care and that he wanted me as much as I wanted him but we weren’t exclusive, mainly because we never talked about us. We were more like a married couple, we didn’t need to determine the relationship or whatever, and we both just naturally knew we belonged together, or so I thought.
Alex had been avoiding me for a while now, around a month or so, and Jonathon and I only got closer and closer until we actually did start dating, we weren’t serious though, just one of those ‘in the moment’ relationships that were convenient for the both of us. We were both lonely; he had lost his girlfriend the same time I lost my Alex, so we really clicked over that but when we kissed, it always felt so dry and basic, and when we touched,  there was no fire or sparks, just basic skin on skin.
I actually started wondering if there was something wrong with me, but there wasn’t. The only thing wrong was the fact that Alex wasn’t the one kissing me.
I got the call at around two in the morning, Alex drunk called me and I was so happy to hear his voice after the deafening silence that he had put me through but I was also furious at the fact that he was drunk.
“Hello?” I answered, questioningly.
“You answered, that’s… great. Look out your window, please.” He said, I knew he was drunk because of the way he talked, his speech was slurred.
I got up and looked outside my window with my phone pressed against my ear, Alex was standing outside in my front lawn by the huge oak tree, that my father loves but my  mom  hates, with a huge nirvana poster and his body was swaying from side to side.
I rolled my eyes and ran outside, slightly thrilled to see him again but I had this feeling deep down in my bones, one that scared me, it’s like I could feel it in me that something bad was going to happen, my own mind foreshadowed it all for me.
I opened my front door and wrapped my cardigan around me, even though it was almost summertime; it was still cold outside, since hello, this is Canada. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if it started snowing this second. No worries, it didn’t.
I stared at Alex as he stared up at the sky and sang the lyrics to a song under his breath; he continued to sway from side to side and didn’t even notice me there. I watched him for a bit, his green eyes closed, his dark hair gelled back like a true rocker from the70’s, I always felt like he was born in the wrong generation with his whole vintage look,  he was a true child of the 80’s or the 70’s.
My mother always told me I was an ‘old soul’ and I was wise and I wasn’t your average teenager since I had always been understanding and always saw the good in people. Even now, as I look at him, drunk and in a haze, I can still see the Alex that waited out in the rain for me, the Alex at that diner, the one at his parent’s lake house, the one that lost a sister and never really got over it. I refuse to see the angry, jealous, and possessive Alex that is self destructive and like a ticking time bomb that is ready to explode at any minute and take anyone that tries to defuse him down with him.
Always seeing the good in people and always wanting to sacrifice yourself for someone that you love is the ultimate tragedy, but at least id die for a cause and not for something pointless.
I can never walk away from someone more broken than I am, I leave my broken pieces in them, I try and fit them into the empty spaces in their souls and give them whatever I can until I am down to my very last piece.
It’s in my nature, wanting to help and fix things, it’s in me, engraved in my DNA, it’s something I can’t help, but no one would ever understand that, no one would ever understand why I stayed so bloody long when I should’ve left but I’m here and I’m not going anyway. No one would get why I give and give and give, we live in a selfish world where donating a single dollar makes us feel proud, and its true they made a difference, but they didn’t do anything colossal. In our world, we have millionaires with enough money to buy an island and we also have people with absolutely nothing that live on the streets.
It just doesn’t make any sense to me, how selfish some people can be. The logic of it all frazzles me because there is none, from our corrupted school systems to our corrupted youth, looking at Alex right now is a very fitting example, he was in pain so rather than facing his emotions and working through them, he chose to drink the pain away, he chose to intoxicate his body and form terrible habits that will only ruin him in the long run.
I’m no saint but I’m not a sinner either, I’m somewhere in between I guess. I’m not an angel but I sure as hell am not the devil, my flaws and my perks balance each other out, making me an ordinary mortal with no exceptions, just a lot of secrets and hidden sides.
“Alex?” I ask after he just stood there in place, I walked closer to him and put my hand on his shoulder; Alex snapped back to reality with my touch and looked down at me. Alex stared into my eyes, even in the darkness his eyes continued to fascinate me to no end. His perfect face remained the same, his cheekbones were still as sharp as knives, and his jaw line still looked perfect and turned me on, but his eyes were not the same. His eyes looked so tired, like unexplainably drained, the type of tired that could not be fixed by sleep.
“Nirvana, you’re here.” I didn’t know what I expected from him, but I certainly did not expect him to pull me into the tightest embrace I have ever experienced.
“Yeah, I’m here.” I felt pure joy run through me, I missed being in his warm arms that always accepted me and made me feel like there was no place I’d rather be.
“Don’t you dare leave me ever again, you know you’re mine.” I snapped at that, what does he mean by it?  I’m his and only his; he just decided to claim me like that. I don’t even have a say in this? and why didn’t  he say he’s mine too, am I tied to him, the rock weighing his balloon down rather than the fire that makes his hot air balloon fly to the heavens? At that moment, I was fed up and I really wanted him to truly learn his lesson.
“What do you mean?” I asked, wanting more, maybe I interpreted things wrongly; I wanted to hear him out because everyone deserves to be heard out.
“I mean you’re mine, not Jonathans, he told me the truth, you two never did anything, I knew you’d wait for Me.” my face twisted in disgust, is that what all this was about? This was all him wanting to be my first time, the one that got to rob me of my innocence?
Before I could say or do anything, Alex grabs my face and starts kissing me possessively, he didn’t feel like Alex or excite me the way Alex does; he tasted like liquor and smelled like a brewery. I tried to squirm out of his strong hold but failed, he continued kissing me and his hands travelled everywhere across my body.
“Alex, stop!” I yelled. “This isn’t you, just let me go!” I continued to resist him but he was oblivious to it all, he wasn’t himself at the end of the day, his alter ego had come out to play.
Alex pushed me against the huge oak tree out in my front lawn and pressed his body against mine, I could feel the rough wooden exterior of the tree pierce my skin, cutting me slightly, as he kissed my jaw line and attempted to take my cardigan off.
In that moment, I didn’t know what to do anymore, I didn’t know how to tell him to stop or how to get him off me so I let my instincts take over, something I still regret. I mustered up all the strength I had left in me and I kicked Alex where it hurts with my knee, once he screamed out in pain and stopped touching me and put his hand where I had kneed him, I then pushed him back, he fell down to the ground, making a loud thud when he fell. I took that as my opportunity, I fixed my cardigan and I ran back inside my home, locking my doors twice.
I turned around and stood near the door, waiting for him to stop cussing under his breath. I leaned my back against the door and let my body sink down to the floor, I could see him because part of my door was made of glass, and he could see me as clearly as I could see him.
I rested my head against the glass and watched him; he looked at me and stared at me through the glass. He sat down too, mimicking my position like I was his very own reflection, and he rested his forehead against the glass with his eyes closed, exactly where my head was placed. In that moment, we were so close, yet also miles and miles away from each other.
I looked at him, his eyes closed, his mouth shut, his jaw clenched tightly.
I wondered about my parents for a minute there, how did they not hear me or come down to see if everything was okay? I knew my parents heard and saw everything when it came to me, they just overlooked it; I guess they trusted me more than any parent should trust any teenager.
Alex opened his eyes and we just both looked into each other’s eyes through the glass, I could see a hint of my own reflection there, my eyes looked wild and startled, and I looked closer and saw tears streaming down my own cheeks. I roughly wiped my tears away and turned my head around; I didn’t want to look at him no more.
“I’m sorry, nirvana.” He said loud enough for me to hear, he then started slightly banging his head against the glass that was standing in between us, that glass was my savior and his enemy.
“Go away, Alex.” I said rudely.
“Is that really what you want?” he asked, he stopped banging his head against the window and just placed his hand against the glass, I turned around again and placed my hand where his was, the difference between our hands amazed me, his hands were so large and so strong, while mine  were so dainty and small.
“No, but it’s what I need.” I almost choked, wanting to take back the now irrevocable words.
“It’s not what I need.” He answered, staring at me intensely.
“But it is what you want. You don’t want me the way I want you, and I don’t need you the way you need me.” I said back, thinking of the song by ‘the pretty reckless’, her words ran through my mind. ‘you don’t want me like I want you, you don’t need me like I need you.” those aren’t the exact lyrics, but they’re all I can remember at this point.
“We both desire each other, just not in the same way; those are basic misconceptions, ones that have ruined us.” I said after he gave me no answer.
“Please let me go, and don’t come back. I’m with someone else now, and you’ve turned into someone else too.” I pleaded, still receiving nothing but silence from him.
“You expect me to just walk away?” he asked, looking hurt.
“Yes, I do.” I nodded, lying to him. I really want him to stay, but how will it ever work?
“I will leave you alone, nirvana, but I will never abandon you or walk away, I will just have to be that guy that watches you all the time from a distance, you know, the guy identified as a stalker.” He joked, regaining some pieces of his old self.
“I think you’d make a pretty interesting stalker, I’m sorry for making you do this, I just need my space.” I answered, calming down.
“Call NASA, they’ll give you a whole lot of space.” I laughed and so did he before we both stared into each other’s eyes one last time before I removed my hand and he removed his. He gave me half a smile, it looked forced and fake as hell, much like the smile I gave him in return.
We both stood up and walked away from each other, he went to his home while I watched him walk; maybe I’m the stalker, not him. I then ran upstairs and crashed on my bed, I tried to scream but no sound came out, it was just a never ending nightmare filled with silent sobs and lack of breath.
I fell to the ground, landing on my knees and tried to scream but, once again, no sound came out, all I could do was feel my heart burst into pieces in my chest and my lungs catch fire. My mother came running in and so did my father. They both hugged me and held me together as I fell apart, unable to hold myself together any longer.
My mom softly caressed my hair and whispered these few words I will never forget, the words that I will always think of when I remember my mother. “It’s good that it hurts, it’s supposed to hurt this much, it means that you gave it all you had, that’s also how you know for sure that it was real, because if it doesn’t hurt then it isn’t love.”
I questioned her words back then, I didn’t get it, if something hurts this much and damages both of us beyond repair, then it can’t be right, can it? But she was right, she was so right.