Alex's Nirvana

Nirvana

5
The truth is I still love him, I never stopped loving him and I probably won’t ever stop loving him, I just learnt how to live without him.
                                                              …………..
I sit down carefully on the wooden dock, my legs dangling freely over the edge, and my focus and attention completely captured by the view in front of me. I stare out at the empty lake and watch as the sun slowly dives into it, moving at a very slow pace, slow enough for me to fully enjoy it and fall in love with it. There’s a towel hanging loosely over my shoulders, keeping me warm even though its summer but it’s a cool summer night, the ones that are both hot and cold. My hair, as well as my clothes, is wet and dripping water down my back. I close my eyes and smile as I hear Alex’s footsteps draw near.
Alex sits down next to me; he is also wet and covered by a towel. His face looks brilliant in this specific shade of light and his eyes almost glow, they are so striking it’s unbelievable. I try and avert my attention from his gorgeous eyes back to the sunset because I don’t want my sun to sink into his sea all over again.
Alex carefully hands me a warm cup of tea and I take it from him and inhale its comforting smell. I’ve always loved the smell of tea and wild berries; those are my ultimate favorite, or at least I thought they were my favorite scents until I smelled Alex. Alex smells fresh and clean all the time, like some expensive shampoo, body wash, and perfume all combined with his own natural minty scent. I can never really describe his scent accurately; the best description I can give you is that he smells like… home.
“Talk to me.” Alex says randomly after he sips his coffee, I didn’t hear what he said at first since I was too busy watching the way his eyelashes, so long and so dark, slowly go down and cover up his beautiful eyes.
“What do I talk about exactly?” I ask, still feeling a bit awkward, unsure of what to say or do right now, everything is so delicate and breakable, I could easily shatter whatever shreds of our friendship that remains with one word.
I was a bit questionable when Alex asked me to come down to his lake house with him, we had patched things up and so I thought it would be worth a shot. Alex was being his regular self, the guy I fell for, the guy I have been trying to forget, not his other side that is quite repulsive and easy to let go of.
“Everything and anything, I miss talking to you the way we used to.” He smiles at me warmly; I remember all of our late night conversations, book talks, arguments, debates, jokes, confessions, and so on. Our conversations were truly the highlight of our tricky friendship.
“Actually, I want to hear about you this time.” I say back, letting the spotlight shine down on him and blind him with its brightness rather than me.
“Sure, what do you want to know?” he asked, still easy and chill.
“I want to know your deepest, darkest secret.”  I said, imitating him back at the diner, when things were so simple.
“Well, I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but my middle name is zodiac.” Alex stares at me, I wonder if he’s lying or not, but the look on his face tells me exactly how serious he is being. I start laughing hysterically and he nudges my shoulder. “Don’t laugh, you asked for this.” I laugh even harder and he joins me, and we both laugh hysterically for no reason until my phone interrupts us and starts ringing.
“I’ll be right back, I need to take this.” the number is blocked but I can already feel my pieces adjusting themselves to fit the empty spaces in his puzzle and I don’t want that so I take this phone call as  an open distraction. I carefully get up, careful not to relive our little water scene, I got up and got unbalanced because I’m so clumsy naturally, and Alex tried to catch me but it was too late and we both fell in and decided to have a water fight in the lake.
“Hello?” I pick up after I’ve gotten some distance.
“Hello, is this nirvana Valerie Harte?” a stiff female voice answers me back, my heart skips a beat as I jump to conclusions; NYU.
“Yes, this is she.” I replied, feeling hesitant and terrified but also excited.
“It would be my pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted in our freshman program for next fall, there will be an open house in September so that you could come and view our campus.” How can someone so expressionless make me feel so much?
“Yes, I will most definitely be there, thank you so much for this opportunity.” My palms are so sweaty and my mouth is so dry by the time I hang up, I only applied for the hell of it, I never actually thought that they would accept me or give me a second chance.
“You look stressed out, what’s up?” Alex gets up quickly when he sees me hovering over him, unable to sit down or think clearly, paralyzed by shock.
“Nothing, I just feel tensed and uptight.” I answer back honestly, leaving out NYU since I didn’t even tell my own parents I applied.
“Well, you can’t dance and stay uptight, it’s a supernatural delight.” He smiles at me, as if waiting for me to connect the dots and I do.
“Are you quoting that song, dancing in the moonlight?” I ask, Alex’s grin deepens and he stands up, pulls his phone out, and the melody fills the air just as the moon lit up the sky in the absence of the sun.
Alex starts singing and dancing, waiting for me to join, but I don’t. Well, correction, I don’t join until he pulls me in and forcibly dances with me. I start laughing and swaying with him and before I know it, I’m lost in the tune, lost in Alex’s eyes, paralyzed again by him and his intensity and his infectious mood as well as his orphic smile that raises so many questions in my head.
Alex and I dance together on the dock and laugh blissfully like little children playing a game of tag, and it  makes me all warm and tingly, like I can feel it all deep down in my bones and even further than that, if possible. I loosen up completely and sway around randomly with Alex, we come up with weird moves as we go, ones that just look hilarious and weird yet fit the song perfectly, but that’s us, an improvised, yet cleverly designed and thought out, in the moment routine. He represents the past, he lives in the past, while I strive for the future, but when we’re together, we’re both just living in the moment.
The stars and the moonlight add a certain mood that the sunset could not provide. the sinking sun made me feel like I needed to focus more, notice things, such as miniscule details that no one else notices, it reminded me that life is short and fleeting, that even the sun must die and darkness must take over at some point. The moonlight makes me feel otherwise, it makes me feel infinite and like letting go and living life while I am still in my youth, it shows me that there is more to the night than darkness, that true, the sun disappears and all light is gone, but everything becomes more magical and mysterious, and there’s light even after the sun is long gone. It’s amazing how something as simple, daily, and expected as a sunset and a starry sky could alter your emotions and your perspectives so much.
In that  moment, I felt myself relapse,  I’ve fallen all over again for Alex zodiac Harrison and I’m not planning  on ever falling out of love ever again, at least those are my intentions, though I am aware of how inevitable our impending end is.