Alex's Nirvana

Alex

So mike and Melissa still hold each other tightly as they dream, Melissa’s face is relaxed and almost calm while mike’s face looks so stressed out, it’s unbelievable.
Mike and Melissa both chose not to tell their family members, they didn’t want to truly worry anyone just yet. Besides, what difference would it have made? It’s not like nirvana was going to miraculously heal herself because the love and affection from all her family members had radiated its way through the hospital walls and into her heart.
I wander around the hospital walls for a while, unable to sleep because I keep on reliving that moment, the one where I saw her lying down on the asphalt. I’ve watched nirvana sleeping so many times but none can compare to the first time ever. It was her  first night at my place,  put all of your dirty thoughts away, we didn’t do anything, we just slept together on the same bed in the most innocent way imaginable.
Nirvana is always looking for someone to fix, always rummaging through people’s souls and searching in between the lines, looking past all of their lies and bullshit and I love that about her but it terrifies me. Nirvana sees everything you don’t want her to see, she can almost sense it when you’re in pain, and she used to say that that was what drew her to me, that she knew I wasn’t all smiles and music all the time.
She knew that behind the curtain was a veil of tears.
I wander around the halls until I find myself on the third floor somehow, it’s the birthing floor, it’s all pink and I can hear babies crying in the distance. I am running at some point, running to the sound of the babies, and I don’t even know why.
I find them and I do nothing but stare at them through the glass that is protecting them from the harsh reality of this cruel world. I stare at each child individually and think about how their lives will turn out, how twisted and how damaged their minds will grow to be. But I also think of how beautiful and bright they could end up being, how their first love will make them feel on top of the world  and infinite, how their voice could change this world as we know it.
I blink my eyes and I stop seeing what they could be and I start seeing what they are, they are babies. They have been blessed with the gift of a clean slate; they have no worries, no fears, no goals, no ambitions, and no nothing. They are just babies being born into this world with no idea or clue whatsoever and they have so much life and opportunity ahead of them.
I always loved babies, I always thought I would make one hell of a father and I knew nirvana would be a killer mother.
Nirvana is the type that would say ‘I don’t want kids’ over and over again and it took me a while to understand that she didn’t want kids because she hated them, it was quite the contrary, she didn’t want kids because she loved them  too much and was  scared of one day losing a child of her own. She knew that both mike and Melissa were acquainted with the feeling of losing a child, and she’s seen the scars it has left on both them and on her.
I believed her, I set it in my mind that nirvana didn’t want kids until this one spring day; it was a family gathering at my place, one that was rare and happened every five years. Both of my parents were home and they invited nirvana and her family to come, nirvanas parents couldn’t make it but nirvana showed up at my doorstep in this stunning dress that was floral printed and showed off her flawless back that turns me on to no end, and her long, dark hair was braided to the side and had flowers placed in it randomly.
Even a blind man could tell that she was both nervous and excited; she wanted to meet my parents so badly but was terrified of making a wrong impression.
The whole day, nirvana kept tripping over herself, blurting out all the wrong words, getting flustered and agitated, she was practically in hell. My mother told me that she was a nervous wreck and she just disappeared after talking to my aunt so I quickly ran and started looking around the house for her and I was amazed and awestruck when I found her in my room, holding my little cousin, who was barely six months old, in her arms.
I stared at her through my slightly open door, I could see her clearly but I made sure to hide before she saw me.
She looked down at the baby in this way that made my heart melt, she was holding him close to her heart too, and she rocked him back and forth in her arms and sang him lullabies until he fell asleep while holding her hair in his tiny fingers. She smiled down at him and closed her eyes for a second as she inhaled the scent of his hair.
After the baby was deeply asleep, I watched mesmerized as she carefully lay down on my bed and placed the baby on her chest, its little head placed right above her heart, and she fell asleep too.
I watched her sleep for ten minutes before I slowly pushed the door open and took a picture of her on my phone to remember the moment; I then carefully walked over to her and lay down next to her, wrapping my arms around both her and the baby.
I felt so at peace with myself and everyone around me. Right now, as I stare at the babies I can only think of nirvana and the way her voice sounded so soft and so sweet as she sang the familiar words of a song that I know her mother used to sing to her when she was a child.
I sing the words in my head too and I try to remember its rhythm.
“You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are grey,
You’ll never know dear how much I love you,
So please don’t take my sunshine away…”
I blink once as the tears stream down my face, my hands are pressed against the glass that is separating me from the babies, I want to break it down and search for comfort in their innocence.
I sing that song and I think of her, she really is my sunshine and my silver lining, she’ll never really know how much I love her because I never really told her. Please, don’t take my sunshine away.