Alex's Nirvana

Alex

She starts telling me about the time when we were on stage together and I remember that night and I break even more.
There was a local band performing on stage and their drummer was hammered so they asked for volunteers and nirvana, so graciously, pushed me up on stage and cheered the loudest. We played around five rock ballads and lit the crowd up and at some point, the lead singer asked me if she’s my girlfriend when we were backstage during a brief intermission, right after nirvana had jumped on me and hugged me so tightly and told me I was amazing.
I looked over at her as she walked away and disappeared back into the growing and cheering crowd, and then I looked back at the singer, smiled, and said, “Nirvana? She’s much more than that, she’s the air that I breathe combined with every other addiction anyone could ever have, such as smoking, drinking, sex, gambling, and so on. And even that doesn’t do her any justice.”
The lead singer smiled back at me and laughed, we then went back on stage and just before we were about to start playing a song, he took the microphone and said, “can a young lady called nirvana come up on stage please?” the lights instantly were focused on nirvana and nirvana was pushed on stage by the crowd, the lead singer gave her his hand and pulled her up.
Nirvana carefully adjusted her mini skirt and pulled her top down a little bit, covering up some of her skin that was being exposed. The lights were now focused on both her and the lead singer, he returned to his microphone as I blushed deeply and heavily, unsure of what he would do next, and then he said, “I want nirvana to join us on stage as I sing this next song in her honor, I believe it describes her perfectly well.”
The lead singer looks back at me and the other band members and mouths the word “Arabella”
I play the drums but also notice how that arctic monkey’s song really does describe nirvana and the way she makes me feel.
Nirvana stood there awkwardly at first but the lead singer started dancing around with her and made her sing a few of the lines and by the end of it you could see that she enjoyed the rush and was exhilarated and running on adrenalin.
At the end of the song, she ran over to me and this time it was me that wrapped my arms around her and twirled her around and around, she buried her head in my neck and laughed loudly as I twirled her. When I put her back on her feet, nirvana focused her big, electric blue eyes on me, that were surrounded by mascara and winged eye liner, and she put her hand on the side of my face before she stood on the very tips of her toes, leaned in, and kissed me hard.
It got pretty intense then and I had absolutely no intentions of stopping it, we both got caught up in the moment and completely forgot where we were and ignored the crowd that was cheering, whistling, applauding, and so on. We would’ve stayed that way forever, my hands travelling around her body as hers travelled around mine, gripping each other tightly and letting go together, but the lead singer focused the lights on us instead and we both snapped out of it.
Back in the car, right in my driveway, I parked my car, and I carefully placed my hand on her face. She immediately rested her head and closed her eyes. I wanted to continue where we had left off on stage but I was getting mixed signals from her, maybe she was too tired or the moment was over but all I could think about was the way her skin felt and how smooth it was, and despite the slight acne on her shoulders it was all still so creamy and soft. I could still feel her heart beating against my chest as I touched her insecurities such as her wide hips and her stomach. My skin broke out into goose bumps as she touched my back and the back of my neck and as her hands travelled through my hair. I also kept thinking about how all time seemed to freeze, and how all I could hear was her breathing and her heart even though we were surrounded by at least two thousand screaming Canadians.
At that very moment though, just as I was about to remove my hands, nirvana opened her eyes again and stared at me intensely before she completely lost it and grabbed my face, pulling me closer to her. I reacted quickly and pulled her body closer to mine in the confined space, our breaths started mingling and it was getting insanely hot in there.
“Not here,” she whispered as I slowly started pulling her shirt off of her body. This was our moment, we were finally going to give into our passionate desires after all this time, and this was all around the time before I turned against her, around a week after our road trip to New York.
I quickly opened the car door and climbed out, she did the same and then we both ran to my  doorstep, hand in hand, I unlocked the doors after struggling since nirvana kept on teasing me by kissing my neck and my jaw line, and then we were finally in the house.
I closed the front door, scooped nirvana up in my arms, which made her giggle and blush, and carried her upstairs to my room.
I carefully placed nirvana down on my bed as we both stared into each other’s eyes, I couldn’t tell if she was nervous, scared, excited, ready, or anything really, but I knew that I was all of the above.
I sat down on the bed next to nirvana and kept my eyes on her as she bit her lower lip.
“Are you sure? I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to…” I paused, nirvana leaned over and kissed me slowly this time, she carefully kissed my lips and put her hands back around my neck and I would’ve reacted and kissed her back but I needed to make sure, I didn’t want her to wake up regretting anything.
“Nirvana, I need to know if you really want this, I don’t want to screw this up.” I said again, nirvana simply smiled at me and said, “You won’t screw this up.”
After that it was lights out, everything disappeared around me as I held her closer to me and we both emerged into one for the night and completely surrendered ourselves to one another and just let go.
I can still remember the way she smelled and her skin on mine and her heavy breathing and sweating, I can still remember it all so clearly, even the way she slowly fell asleep, her eyes staring at me as I watched her every move. I want to relive that moment where we lay down next to each other, underneath my blanket, and held hands and talked for hours before she fell asleep, and when she did fall asleep, I pulled her hand up to my mouth and kissed it.
I picked out the quotes that reminded me of her from “Arabella” and wrote them down on my walls that night after the show was over and she was sleeping on my bed, covered by my blanket with her hair in a tight ponytail and her fingers curled around the empty spaces where I was supposed to be.
That was one of my favorite moments, it was one of the moments where we were both blinded by sheer desires and love, the days where I knew deep down in every fiber of my very being that we were meant to be and we were infinite.
“And when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my day dreams.”
“Arabella’s got a seventies head, but she’s a modern lover, it’s an exploration, she’s made of outer space. And her lips are like the galaxies edge and her kiss the color of a constellation falling into place.”
After I had written what I wanted to, I climbed back into bed next to her and held her all through the night, focusing on her breathing and the way she looked so peaceful and so content. Every time she exhaled and her chest deflated, my heart entirely stopped until it rose again.
In that moment, I didn’t love her; I was in love with her. Just because I saw her naked and I touched her didn’t mean that I automatically loved her because I loved her before all that, but it just made me realize how bloody scared I was of losing her or of hurting her. I guess that was when I had fully made the decision that enough was enough, that we weren’t going to grow any further and that we had reached our peak and it would only go downhill from there.
Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t gone when she woke up, if I hadn’t driven somewhere far far away to clear my head and started smoking, I wonder if things would’ve been different if I had stayed and made her pancakes in the morning and talked about us rather than ignoring her calls and avoiding her. We probably would not have fought and we would have been together and I wouldn’t have stood in front of that car and she wouldn’t have to push me out of the way and most important of all, she wouldn’t be losing me right now.
I saw this huge future with her, one where we had little blue eyed children with eccentric names, and a backyard, maybe living in New York together. Our wedding would’ve been in somewhere amazing like Paris, maybe even Italy like Kim and kanye, and our honeymoon would be in somewhere exotic like Africa or Hawaii, even a cruise around the Caribbean would’ve been perfect.
I could see us walking through a park together, having little picnics during the day with our kids while at night, after we had tucked them in and sang “you are my sunshine”, we’d drink a little whine on the couch together and then one thing would lead to another and we’d find ourselves tangled up in the sheets of our bed, maybe even in the bathtub or the stand up shower and then we’d wake up  the next day and smile at our mini Alex’s or mini nirvana’s and make them pancakes and sing Elvis Presley songs.
I even imagined going back to the diner and dancing with nirvana there again, twirling her around as our favorite songs played. I had it all planned down, even the proposal where I would have asked her to marry me right after they finished playing “can’t help falling in love with you”, and then we’d drink milkshakes together and dip our fries into it and laugh.
I saw us travelling the world together, country by country, we could’ve been nomads, going from one continent to the other, exploring things and spending our nights partying or swimming at midnight in exotic beaches or lakes. I wanted her to meet my parents, and when I say that I mean really meet them, as in sit down and have a talk with them one on one. I wanted us to go to university together because I was willing to follow her anywhere and everywhere.
I just saw so much when we got so little. I saw a lifetime but I didn’t get that, I barely got anything at all, I mean I surely feel like I got a lifetime with her but I didn’t want a messy, up and down, few years with her,  I wanted her forever.
I feel her tears stain me as she cries over me and breathes such deep and heavy breaths. I want to wake up; I have to wake up, right now.
To whoever is reading this, you can’t cheat death, what was meant for you will find its way back to you.
To nirvana, I’m sorry.