Things To Say Before I Go

Chapter 11: Jess

"It was such a nice night," I gushed, still reveling the magic of the moment. 

Nancy, Kelsey and I were sitting in the break room eating lunch. I was filling them in on the previous night's events. 

"Have you ever seriously considered going to London as an option?" Nancy asked. 

I paused, surprised that THAT was her question out of the whole story I had just told. Sure, it's been my dream to go London since I could remember. But I knew why she was asking. Everyone says there's somewhere in the world they're dying to see, but they take that dream to their grave without acting on it. 

"I'm still considering it," I said, trying to sound convincing for her, but also, probably for myself too. "God knows, I could probably get some extra vacation days out of Melanie, if you know what I mean." 

They laughed as we continued to eat. "So how's your list coming along?" Nancy asked. 

"Oh! Are you still doing it?" Kelsey inquired. 

I nodded. "Yes, and I think it's coming along quite well, thank you for asking." 

It really was, actually. I enjoyed writing and made it a point to write in it almost once everyday. I knew I couldn't show anybody, but if I did say so myself, it was a pretty kick ass list. The three of us finished eating and returned to our desks. I glanced over at Nate, hard at work. It was funny to look at him now, thinking about that being the way we met. I mean, what were the odds that we'd meet each other and start a relationship? Crazy. I decided to write that down. 'Thank for introducing me to Nate, universe...or whoever you are'. He seemed busy so I got back to the day's files. 

As I did, I realized how much the conversations I had had with Nate were sticking with me. Every time I glanced at another form that required authorization or my signature for it to be filed away, I kept thinking 'This is not what I wanted to do. I was supposed to be someone else. Do something else. How did I get here?' All of a sudden, I started getting this claustrophobic feeling, like the room was getting smaller and I was trapped. Was it just me, or was it getting harder to breathe in here? 

I jumped out my chair. "I need some air," I said to the startled Kelsey sitting next to me. 

"Okay," she said, unsure of what had just happened. 

I weaved through the maze of desks and cubicles that formed our office and took the exit out to the balcony where the smokers took their smoke breaks. No one was out there at that moment, thankfully. I let the wind blow through my hair, let the oxygen fill my lungs. Calm down, Jess. You're doing what you have to do. You won't be doing this your whole life. You will find where you belong. Fuck, why am I having an existential crisis right now? I exhaled and walked around the balcony, pacing, making sure the blood was flowing. The sky was very blue today and the white clouds were moving pretty fast. I felt small in that moment. I realized how little I was and small my concerns were when you compare it to the rest of the world. I sighed, took a deep breath, turned around and walked back into the building. I wandered back to my desk, fixing my hair as I went. 

"Crisis averted," I mumbled to Kelsey as I got back to my desk. It's not like there was anything I could at this moment anyway. All I could do was go about my day while that tiny thought scratched at my consciousness in the back of my mind. 

"You are so strange," she replied with a laugh.

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The next morning I was on my way up the elevator when I noticed the song: "Crazy In Love". Despite the fact that the elevator music rendition was still earth shatteringly terrible, I admired their desire for newer music that didn't crawl out from a dark hole somewhere in the '80s.